Forever and Always.

Chapter Eleven

September 29th, 2012.

It’s odd but I truly can never forget this day…what a beautiful morning it was. The night earlier, as Joshua and I were Skyping each other, he said he had to talk to me.

            Yay! I was going to be able to hang out with him again. He said it was important, and of course, that did make me worry and stress, but hey, our Everlasting Father knows what He’s doing!

Little did I know, I was not prepared for this day. I was not prepared at all. I woke up at 6:00 am. Joshua was to come around 8:00am.

I was at my sisters’ new home, it was absolutely beautiful. I immediately jumped into the shower, singing along the way.

I was in such a happy mood. I just got to meet Alice, the adorable hedgehog, the shower was nice and warm, and I thought I was prepared for this day!

I had such confidence and left my worries behind.

After the shower, I threw on my lovely dark red robe and just went downstairs to grab some breakfast. Sausages and rice, delicious it was!

I looked at the time and finally decided to get ready and decided on yellow shorts with a black t-shirt that had a lovely tree printed upon it.

I sat outside on the cement stairs. Waiting for him. I glanced at the time and yes, he was late again. But it’s all good; I was beginning to feel patience in my heart!

I saw his white car turn the corner and smiled. I held a cake pop in my hand because my sisters and I had just recently made them last night for fun. I was so happy! As I got into the car, I smiled and handed him the cake pop.

He smiled also, “Hey, we’re going to go to this park on 120th. I’ve seen it a few times and wanted to see what it was like. Sound good?”

“Of course it does!” I was smiling such a big smile, must have looked terrible! I was just so happy to see him. I could not get this smile off of my face! As he drove, I glanced at him every now and then. He was so…genuine.

A real man of God, who continues to pursue God’s will. I smiled and glanced at my hands balled up together on my legs.

When I looked outside, it was so warm. Such a beautiful day! What another beautiful and glorious day God has presented us with. This was all such a blessing.

We arrived at the park and parked. Joshua looked down.

“Hey mister, is everything okay?” I smiled a little at him just too maybe give him a little reassurance. I wondered what was wrong…

“Huh? Yeah, I am okay.” He started walking and I walked up to catch up to him. We headed directly towards the park and he finally began eating the cake pop.

“So, do you like it?!” I asked with a gleaming smile on my face.

He finally smiled a real smile and said, “Yeah, it’s good!” Oh, that was what I wanted at that moment. Just to see him smile.

As he finished the cake pop he went to this little rock wall at the park. It was meant for climbing.

“What is wrong? Why are you being so quiet Joshua?! Is everything okay?” I was actually beginning to worry a bit. He wasn’t even smiling anymore! He sighed and what he said next was something I was not prepared for.

“I have to choose...” Choose?! Choose what? His outfit for church tomorrow? The type of haircut he wanted? What to eat for dinner? But then I got my answer, “…between you and Kabao.”

I went silent. I was on the opposite side of the wall so he couldn’t see me. I looked at my shoes and felt my eyes begin to water…why would I ever make such an amazing man choose between me, a girl who had only known for 6 months, and Kabao, someone he had loved for three years?

God had a reason for this. But I was still trying my best to listen. Was I interpreting it wrong?

I bit my lip and wiped at my eyes a little bit. No tears fell, that was good! I put on a small smile and walked to the other side where he was sitting. “Oh, are you okay?” I smiled at him, and he smiled a small smile back.

“No, honestly not. This is such a big decision!” “Shh, it’s okay Joshua!” I set my mind. God, please bring me through this. Please Lord, let me continue to please you in any way I can. Though I know I can never fully please you, let me run to you in times of troubles and thanks.

In the beginning of the New Year, that was when I was going to give up on Joshua. When I was going to stop whatever this feeling was. I was so sure that I would be able to do this. This only meant I just needed to distance myself from him…

The thing is, I got so used to the idea of talking to him almost every day for six months. One day and I already missed him so much.

It was so wrong of me to fall for a man who had already fallen for someone else. But why did I do it? Why did I see so much hope in Joshua’s eyes? That maybe, POSSIBLY, we’d have a future together?

But as we continued to talk about it, the more I realized how much he did love her. Though he never did tell me, it had been three years of this one-sided love and she was finally returning it.

Silly I had to intrude! I was so frustrated at myself that day. After we finished talking, we started driving back to my sister’s home.

He got out of the car and I sat for a second and just took a breath.

As he gave me a hug, I closed my eyes and just let myself relax. I’m going to miss this, I thought.

“Joshua Keej Yang, New Years, I promise I will give up. I want you to be happy.” He stayed silent. I smiled such a fake smile at him and he didn’t see through it at all as he also smiled back at me. I waved and he got back into his car.

Right as I entered the house, I closed the door and slid down with my back to the door. Here I was just sitting there. Taking deep breaths…

And then the water works began. At first it sounded like a choke, but then it became silent as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Oh great, I thought. Demi came from upstairs and immediately ran to me. She sat next to me and held me. So tight, a sister’s love was what I needed.

I smiled and tried laughing it off but she saw right through it. She told me to explain but then complained that she couldn’t understand me through my chokes of tears.

I then laid down on my side on the couch for a bit. I stared at the ground just letting the pillow soak up the tears. It felt like such a long time since I had a cry like that…

January 1st, 2013. The date flashed in my head, only to be a reminder that I was going to lose the man on Earth that I loved.

Breathe Catalina and have faith in God.

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Hello my lovely readers (: I don’t know why but this was just on my mind! It’s kind of sad, I am so sorry! ): I only wrote this chapter from how I wrote it down in my diary that night of September 29th.

I was not strong enough in my relationship with God at that moment that I reread this. To our Everlasting Father, please forgive and continue gifting me with your glorious unconditional love! Prayer is power! Thank you to all the readers who have stuck with me this long, truly does mean so much. God bless you all :)

oh, and I love you Joshua :)

love, catalinasmiles