Random Funny Stuff!

More Funny Quotes

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Doug Larson

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Mark Twain

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.

Bob Hope

If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.

Muhammad Ali 

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.

Ogden Nash

At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

Patrick Murray

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Robert Bloch

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Dave Barry