Random Funny Stuff!

Family Jokes

School Troubles

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”.

I can’t hear you

An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.

The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”.

What is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Then her father asked her, “Why did you decide to ask about this now?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”.

Not Gonna Do It

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

“If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.”

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. “How about $20 and two pieces of candy?”

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side of the road.

“OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.”

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. “Look,” he says to the driver. “You bought this ugly station wagon when everyone else got cool SUVs, Dad, but that doesn’t mean I have to be seen riding in it!”.

Little Sally

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Her grades were good — mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Sally gets it from her mother. Please let me know if your idea works.”.

Expecting

Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”

“Wow!” the man said. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

A little while later, the nurse returned and told the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Amazing! That’s really a coincidence,” he said. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

An hour later, the nurse came back and announced to the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he could barely speak. “I don’t believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

The fourth guy, who had looked more and more unhappy with each development, fainted. When finally revived, he shook his head and was heard to whisper…. “I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…”.

It’s the Way My Mom Taught Me

One day a little girl was watching her mom make roast beef. Her mother cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied she didn’t know why — but it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the ends off of the roast before cooking. Grandma replied she didn’t know why — but that was the way her mother had done it.

Great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the next time the little girl and her mom and grandma went to see her, she again asked the question.

Grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, “We were poor and had a small oven in those days. I cut off the ends so it would fit.”

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I really like these! Hope u guys like them too! :D

Thank You! :D

~ Aliyah