Random Funny Stuff!

Funny Quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Albert Einstein

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler