Knives and Nightmares

Chapter 5

We were sitting across from eachother in my room only a few minutes later. "thank you" I said, he didn't know it. But not only did he save my life, he risked his entire school ranking, all because he cares -deeply- for a middle class goth chick with crazy poetry, and who has secret scars on her arms... "dont thank me," he replied " I should have done -" "you did the exact perfect amount" I screamed "you saved my life!! I couldn't ask to any more!!" I closed my eyes in a pour attempt to calm myself down. It didn't work. I began to count. One two...this has Happened before I thaught...three four... " Melanie. If...if you" he flinched "died today, I would never forgiven myself" five...six...I tried not to burst out crying. Seven... Eight... " the truth is... I really havent stopped loving you...from the moment I saw you in pre school, I told my dad 'hey daddy, you see that girl over there? The one in the two braids and pink dress? Daddy, shes so pretty, I'm going to marry her daddy...'" he laughed a little " that's why I became your friend..." he continued " because, well...because I love you Melanie..." I shot open my eyes. What did he say I thaught. Does he know who I am?! I'm nothing, a nobody!! Maybe he doesn't care who I am...but what I am...I dismissed the thaught. " from then till now. I haven't stopped. When I became popular, we were forced to drift away. No matter how hard I tried, they wouldnt let me talk to the one girl I loved unconditionally...I was torn apart for those few years I couldn't talk to you. I tried, but when I did, Annie would. Come up behind me...that, or I got shy..." he admitted. his green eyes put me in a sort of trance, I was captivated. His eyes seemed to sparkle. I turned my gaze away. " the funny thing is..." I began "I have a completely different story..." he nodded eagerly indicating he wanted me to continue. "well," I started " in preschool, we met -duh- and I fell in love with your eyes, even now..." my voice trailed off. He looked at me and grinned, it gave me the courage to continue "anyways, we became friends, and I fealt like I was in top of the world! Then...in grade five...it all came tunneling down." I paused for dramatic effect " you left me for the popular kids... I was alone, I had Lizzie of course, but I fealt there was a hole in my heart only you could fill...I couldn't talk to you, I fealt so...so...so" "unworthy? Embarrassed? Hurt?"he finished my sentence "exactly, I was worried you didn't want to talk to me and...I

thaught I lost you forever..." i didn't know I was crying until he wiped the tears off of my cheeks with his sweater. It smells so pretty... "who knew, that both of us had a love story

gone wrong, and yet here we are..." his voice trailed off. So he did like me!!. My heart skipped beats at the thaught. Hé loved me, but thats all over..,I fealt dizzy. I almost fell , even though we sat cross leged on my floor. "I never thaught I would have the guts to talk to you... But when I saw what annie did, I couldn't bear seeing you in pain..." he admitted. For a few seconds, I forgot to breathe, my lungs itched for air, but my brain didn't respond. He cares. Pain, but nothing like mine... Again, I reached for the sleeve of my sweater. I caught him staring quizzically, wondering what I was doing. The secrets were out. He loves me!! I sighed. Annie will find out soon enough, then my world will crumble once again. I made a mental note to write that down later. I couldn't stand not talking to him. I wanted to hear his voice. Needed too. "are...are you hungry?" I ask waiting eagerly for his response. "are you?" he asks. Of course i was hungry! i hadn't eaten in two days! i knew I shouldn't eat more. it took so long... I touched my hips. But, against my better judgement, I nodded and got up. My legs were shaky, but I managed to make it too the door without falling. He was close behind, protecting me, in case I fall. I slowly walked down the hallway, towards the stairs at the end of the long hallway. I stopped in front of Charlie's door, I thaught I heard him moaning in pain. I stood there for a moment. Nothing. I must be going crazy... Hes not even home. I must be too worried. The stairs seem bigger when I got closer. Steeper and farther from the ground. Connor noticed my hesitation and took advantage of it. He quickly swept me off my feet. In seconds, I was in his arms and we were walking down the stairs "I couldn't imagine what would have happened if I let you fall and hurt yourself again" Connor explained. I was perfectly fine with me in his arms. We carefully tread down each step, he made sure not to lose his balance. He looked at me with determination in his eyes. He doesn't want me hurt, finally, someone other then Liz and Charlie who cares...I was entranced by this boys good nature and care...and his eyes...he set me down at the bottom of the stairs. I turned the corner and went into the kitchen. " what are you hungry for?" I asked looking through the frige, left over macaronie, some vegetables, milk and two apples were left. "anything you have, I'll have. I don't want to be a bother" he responded. " your not a bother, it's fine, I'll make anything you like!" I insisted "in that case, how about a full seven course Hungarian meal for seven?" he asked. His eyes full of delight and sparckeling. I giggled. What am I? A little girl?? Ugh! I don't giggle. I used too, but that's before dad- "apples are fine" he interrupted my train of thaught. "oh" I grabbed the last two apples and turned on the tap. The cold water made me flinch. It fealt like daggers against my skin yet. Although it hurt, I was pleased. The pain reminded me I was alive. I remembered Connor and started to wash the apples. I took them out of the water. The air made my skin shudder. I handed one to Connor, who immediately put it in the counter and grabbed my shoulders to keep me in place. He looked at me, his eyes and face showed distress. Something inside my tore in two. I hate seeing him like this "what's wrong?" he asked. I hate lying to him..." there's nothing wrong" I put a smile on my face and hoped it didn't look as fake as it fealt. "there has to be something wrong. What happened just here with the water?! It hurt you. But you...but you-" he looked away. I could have sworn I saw a tear stream across his cheek. He looked back at me, pain and worry evidently across his face "you let it hurt you" the words were sharp. The dug as deep as the scars on my arm. I faught the urge to touch them. "don't- I mean...nothing's. I..." I stammered. How can I prove it to him? Although it's a lie. It's what he needs to hear. In idea poped into my head. It both scared me and thrilled me. I looked at him once more. I want so badly to reassure him I'll be okay. I have suffered or years. But it's subsiding. No. He can't know!! Who knows what he'll do. I immidiatly remember the day Charlie came to my bedside and re-assured me it would be okay. No. Drastic times call for drastic measures right? I finally built up all the courage I had inside me, and kissed him. First he was shocked, I almost pulled away, but I remembered my reason. I can't hurt Connor any more by worrying him. I won't let him get hurt. I won't make more scars on charlies perfect slim stomach either. I remember seeing Charlie's cuts for the first time, it started when mine did...right after dad died. I started to get angry. I put the Intensity of my thaughts into my actions. Connor pulled away sencing my emotion, or because I hurt him. Must be the former. He held me close, as of he knew I was on the verge of tears. I shielded my eyes with my hair. I was in his thick protecting arms in seconds, his embrace made my pulse quicken. I was so dazed, I didn't even notice my mother standing in the door way. Herlight brown eyes bulging, her face twisted in a smile and Rage and confusion. Her honey brown hair was messily combed into a bun with strands hanging loose. I could smell the wisky, shed been at the bar- again.