Knives and Nightmares

Chapter 19

I expected-hoped to be completely disembodied, numb- Dead! Instead, I was pinned to the cold hard ground. I sat up and stared at the train, chugging along like nothing happened. Mostly because nothing did happen.

"Why the fuck were you lying on the train tracks?" a voice growled from beside me. I squinted my eyes, a desperate attempt to see who was talking to me, I saw no one.

'I'm going insane' was the only thing I could think. I stood up, ready to walk away. Someone tugged at my wrist. I turned around to face a firmilliar figure looming over me.

Every part of my body wanted to hold him as tight as I could, then my conscious kicked in,

'He cheated on you' it hissed.

Every thing I had felt, vanished. I pulled my hand back.

"This isn't really what I meant by 'I wanna talk to you, meet me somewhere.' you could have died without me!"

"That was the point! Connor, I wanted to be dead right about fucking now!" I threw up my hands in anger.

"Excuse me?" He hissed.

"I. don't. want. to. live." I stretched out the words and watched his face change from angry, to hurt. For this first time, I didn't feel the sudden urge to hold him. The need to make him feel better.

"You don't want to live?" his voice was shaky, then he became angry and screamed "don't you think of how that would affect me?"

"Didn't you think about how your actions affected me?" I spat the words at him.

"What I did was nothing compared to-"

"Hold it right fucking there." I said, my blood boiled inside of me, "you cheated, connor. You left, what I did, was going to do, was end the pain YOU put me in." I spun around and began to walk away.

"So that's it? Your just going to walk away?" he said after me, but didn't dare move.

I stopped and turned to him, his eyes were glassy and defeated, "I have nothing left to say to you." I whispered just loud enough for him to hear me. I turned back and began walking once more, the roar of the train beside me drowned out his first plea for my return.

"Stop right there" he said a little louder then before, I did as he asked, annoyed as hell, I didn't bother asking what he wanted.
He jogged up to me and held my shoulders like he did a few months ago in the hall. I was forced to look up at him.

"What if I had something to say to you." it wasn't a question, he was going to tell me wether I liked it or not, I rolled my eyes.

"What if the only reason why I went to Annie that night was because she was going to hurt you again what if-"

I cut him off there, "it's all a god damn 'what if' stop with the hypothetical bullshit and tell me what you were doing there."

The rage in my voice startled me, I didn't expect myself to be so defensive.

"I.. I was over there because, well, I just wanted her to stop what she was doing to you, and those were her conditions." his voice strained to become even.

"You could have told me, Connor. But now, it's too late."

My words hung in the air as I turned around. He stayed completely still.

"It's too late." I repeated and sauntered away, leaving him in the shadows. I looked back, but couldn't see him, tears stung my eyes. I wouldn't cry. I faced forward and ran into him.

"Give it up" I said flatly,

"Are you saying you don't miss me?"

His words hit a sensitive nerve, of course I missed him! I simply averted my gaze to the ground, unable to speak.

"You don't miss this?" he asked before he pressed his lips to mine, I pulled away frantically. I told myself I wanted nothing to do with him.

"You do, don't you" his face twisted into a wild grin.

As much as I wanted him to leave, I needed him to stay. My emotions were much too complicated for my taste. I decided it would be much easier to simply walk away. Saving both of is from pain.

"No Connor, not anymore."

I left him speechless and walked away for the very last time. He didn't follow me, an I didn't expect him too. I cast my head down and tried to fight the urge to turn around. I gave in and looked at his sad face, his empty eyes, he fell to his knees and watched me as I continued to walk.

'This is it. It's completely over.' I thought.

But was that what I wanted? I stopped in my tracks, was I really going to just walk away, didn't I love him? He did make some good points, I did miss him more then anything. What would he be without me? and I without him?

"I don't know" I whispered to myself.

My mind flashed to three months ago.

"Look, remember this morning, about me liking someone else? Well, like is an understatement I guess." He laughed half heartedly. He pulled up into my driveway and parked inches away from the garage.

"What are you trying to say?" I asked worried of the answer.

"Well," he started "I guess I'm trying to say..." he paused, and looked at me "I'm trying to say I love you, Mel."

My eyes widened in shock. My heart was beating over a mile a minute. I could hear it. I wondered if he heard it too. My head was spinning, falling out of consciousness..

That moment was perfect. As much as I needed more, I wasn't sure if it was the right choice or not. Wether or not he cheated on me, that feeling that we had.. it's seems gone, like he wasn't going to protect me anymore.

I heard Annie grunt. "Well, that's not fair! Do you know how much better I am? How prettier I am? How much smarter? Do you not see how alive I am compared to her?" She question, raising her voice. Her cold eyes locked on Connor. She stayed perfectly still in her black stilettos and tiny pink dress.

Meanwhile, Connors green eyes flared with fury. His fists clenched into tight fists. His knuckles turned white. "You?! She is beautiful. She is smart. You're so fake! She may be less alive than you,but she has a heart!! She cares Annie. She's much better then you!! And of you don't mind. I forgot something in my truck, and your annoying me."

Annie's face turned white as he opened his car door and pretended to look for something. He silently tapped the passenger side door. I tapped back indicating I was behind the car, safe.

"You'll pay for this!" She screeched.

"As long as you don't hurt her, do whatever you like." Connor said calmly looking over his shoulder at Annie.

She left with a grin on her face. I slowly got up, and Connor came around to me.

"Thank you," I whispered and kissed his cheek.

"I meant every single word." His eyes were dancing with delight. A grin was plastered on his face. "Come on, arriving late isn't ideal." He chuckled.

I missed seeing him laugh, smile. I missed holding him when I'm upset, the endless compliments and flattery, I wanted it back. Badly. But is it the right choice?

I looked at him again, his head was tucked under him, folded up and shivering slightly. His hair was messed up and wild with the wind.

"This will change everything. I just hope in doing the right thing..." I whispered to myself.