Knives and Nightmares

Chapter 7

The days flew by, Charlie and mom purposely stayed away from home to give connor and I some time aline. Connor and I mostly did homework, there's a lot I didn't understand. Of course, I stayed well rested. Connor and Charlie made sure I had at least ten hours of sleep. I'm not sick. I just bruised up my neck...I'll be fine! I screamed inside my head. I was forced not to move my neck at all, they were so paranoied the scratches were going to rip open, they didn't care about my comfort. At the thaught, I felt like a small child. Being pampered, spoiled. But still greedy and selfish. Liz never came to visit. I found it odd,Liz would normally be worried sick! I wonder if he was still eating... i could ask Connor to find out... but- No. i dismissed the thought. I yearned for some girl time, even though the only thing girlie that Liz and I do is talk and paint our nails, we didn't always talk negatively. Mostly about Annie though. We've been trying to figure out why she hates me. I could never go up to her and ask. My mind flashes to when she had her hands tightly clenched around me, slowly suffocating me. Her grin would be permanently stuck in my head. I would have nightmares for the rest of my life. I thought. I shuddered. Connor looked up from his textbook. Was he reading aloud? I zoned our again. I felt rage towards myself boil up inside me. I instinctively dug my nails into my left arm. I was being hurt, but soothed. A small amount of blood dripped down onto the floor. Connor sat there watching in horror. This isn't bad. He wants bad, show him your arm. This is nothing!! I said to myself. He crawled closer and wrapped me tightly in his arms I fealt him slightly suffocating me with his strong arms, I leaned my head against his shoulder "why why why why. Why do you hurt yourself?" he moaned. I am hurting him! I realized. "please, Connor. It's only a small paper cut" I lied again. It came out so smoothly, it scared me. It tad more then a paper cut, I knew. It was deep. How could my nails do so much damage? I resisted looking. "go, go see Charlie. Have him looked at it. I can't stand seeing you hurt." he demanded. I got up and walked out of the room almost closing the door behind me. How much did he know? why did he think i needed disinfectant on a paper cut? I peered in through the crack in the door and saw Connor slumped against my bed, softly crying and moaning my name. I couldn't see his tears, but I know he looked defeated. What have I done?! I walk to Charlie's room, he had music blaring. He didn't hear me knock. I

tried again. No response. I opened the door and walked in. Charlie looked at me. Fear and rage made his eyes dark. He had the knife with the red handle. The exact one dad used, as well as uncle Matt. I gasped. "Charlie. Where did you get that?!" I demanded pointing at the knife. That was in his hand. His stomach was cut. Again. I couldn't help tearing up. "I got it a few days ago... Uncle Matt left me a note..." he said looking down. Ashamed. A feeling I know all too well. "were you..were you going to-" I broke into a sob tears streaming down my face rapidly. I imagined Charlie cutting too deep, slicing his organs. I couldn't loose him. I need him... If he died... What would I do? "no, no no no Mel, not at all. I just...I needed too. Brook. She, I saw her with someone else" Charlie explained. Brook was Charlie's girlfriend. On occasion I would see him smile with her. That was rare. He had his shirt on the floor, his black denim slightly under his waist. His hair was still straight and matted against his cheeks. "oh Charlie, I'm so sorry" I said "but please don't hurt yourself" I was begging now. I needed him. Moms no help at all. She doesn't understand. She won't. All she will do is drink. bottle after bottle. She wont stop, not that she wants to. i know i can never trust her, Not like i can trust Charlie, he knows everything... "I can't keep that promise. And besides. Have you seen your arms? Take the sweater off. Let's see" he said. Blood was still seeping down my arm from the 'paper cut' I took my sweater off. I stood there in a short sleeve shirt. I felt bare. My left arm was much colder then the rest of me. Some open wounds started to burn. I felt almost relieved. There was pain to bring me back to reality. I knew this wasn't a nightmare. He stood there stunned. My cuts were much deeper. So deep, i may be cmlse to the vein, maybe deeper. they were also so much straighter. I had more precision. He stumbled towards his bed and sat down. Not once did his eyes leave my arm. He held out his hand, silently instructing me to give him my arm so he could inspect it more closely. I did so. He twisted my arm gently. Revealing lots of scars overlapping each other numerous times. "I cant believe how deep you got. I didn't know they were this bad! I just wish I could make your pain go away" he said his voice so low I could barely make out what he was saying. "I need to. You know that" I said. He nodded sympathetically. I knew, he had to too. To bring him back to reality. To take away his emotions and feel nothing but physical pain which goes away. Unlike emotional pain. Which slowly kills you. Inside out. I took his blade from him slowly and threw I across his room. It landed in a pile of dirty shirts all streaked with blood. I flinched. "what was that for?" he demanded "that thing scares me! It killed dad and uncle Matt..." I said. Charlie's eyes widened in shock. He didn't know!! I was reminded of why I came in here "Charlie, Connor says I need disinfectants... I got a paper cut, do you have any?" I asked. "paper cut? Really. That's what their called now??" he demanded "I have some yes. First, give me your razors. All of them..." he looked at me. Our eyes matched. Same dark pools, now that we're angry. I counted how many I had. Twelve. I needed my razors...he should understand that, I have been close to three weeks clean before I relapsed again. "you know I can't do that Charlie. I need it." I said coldly. His body tensed up. "what about your disinfectant? You should have some" he gave up. I felt victorious and defeated at the same time "it's in my room, and Connor doesn't know..." I said softly. He nodded and lofted up his mattress to reveal about twenty razor blades, two large bottles of disinfectants and a few cloths, some perfectly white. Other dyed red. He has so many... Those could last him months... At lease he didn't use the knife, it would be so much deeper... I suddenly felt dizzy. I couldn't stand seeing all of this designed to hurt my brother. Even though I do the same. I couldn't stand knowing he hurts himself so bad, so often. Tears running freely down my cheeks. Charlie didn't notice. I wish Connor were here. Put my sweater on and shut my eyes. But I still saw everything. The razors. The blood. I collapsed on the ground. I knew I was breathing. But all I saw was black.