The Aftertaste

Chapter Nineteen

I grow frustrated with Grayson and his fight to not try on new shoes. I decided to take a day for us and he's not the happiest about it. We needed new shoes and clothes, Lizzie wanted to look at baby stuff, so the mall was a perfect trip. She's somewhere drooling over tiny shoes while my Grayson has a tantrum.
"No, no, no." He grumbles. A shoe flies past me and he giggles. What a comedian. Wait till Lizzie has to deal with this. She'll regret even thinking little shoes are cute. I wish mom was with me to help but some things I just need to do on my own.
"Grayson, you want candy?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, so let's try these shoes on. Then I'll give you candy."
Bribery always worked on me as a kid, why wouldn't it work on him.
"No."
Lord, he's testing me.
I want to pop his little hand but it'll make me sad seeing him hurt. I sit beside him on the ground and decide to reply to AJ. He's been persistent since the new phone and dinner date. I don't want to avoid him but I have to. It's only right. I'm not ready to completely focus on him yet.
"So, I think we're going to work things out."
Lizzie is behind me, holding several pairs of shoes. I roll my eyes and watch Grayson pull at her dress.
"Well, I wouldn't want it any other way. Would you?"
"I feel stupid. I knew it was something and I just-I feel stupid."
Reasonable. I don't know why Luke would stray off, he's always been what I'd want in a man for my friend.  Completely different from Joe. Although, Joe can love hard when he allows himself. I wonder if he loves Aubrey the way he loved me. That last night together was crazy. I remember feeling so filthy and he washed me and loved me and made love to me. It didn't matter that I was bruised and broken. He could love me through all that because I could love him through all of his shit. Obviously I couldn't though, because we didn't work. Right?
"Are you listening?" Lizzie pulls me from my thoughts, her eyes watering.
"I-no, what did you say?"
"I'm embarrassed about going to this wedding. It'll be all the same people from that night and what will they think of me?"
Ah, the wedding. Aubrey and Joe, tying the knot.
"So? Things happen. You can't dwell on what other people will think about you."
"But I will and I do."
"Don't go."
"I'm a bridesmaid."
This is news to me. I'm in shock and she can sense it. She was supposed to be my bridesmaid the wedding I thought I'd have with Joe.
"I'm sorry, Danielle. She asked me."
"Don't be. You getting those shoes?"
"Yeah. Can we grab a bite to eat after this?"
I nod, placing a shoeless Grayson back in his stroller. He's a runner and this stroller helps me keep him in check. Mom will have to shoe shop with him, this task is too difficult.

The food court is slightly packed for a Thursday but we're able to order food and find seats away from everyone. Grayson stuffs his face with pieces of my pizza while me and Lizzie discuss the nursery design. I'm happy for my friend. I wish she would stay here so I'm not so alone. Right now feels like the wrong time to ask.

"Oh my-" l look up at a gleaming Aubrey. Lizzie has a smile on her face that I want to smack off. "Hello, Aubrey." I mutter. Did Lizzie invite her here? I want to get up and leave but that would be unprofessional as a friend and as the photographer for Aubrey.
"You ladies look beautiful. Your kiddie is just so gorgeous, I can't wait to make a baby with Joe. We've been practicing, and I think we may be close this time."
My breath is caught in my throat, and I begin to choke violently. Lizzie is staring at me, clearly stunned by my reaction or this information. I stand up, holding my index finger up and rush to the restroom. I don't know what came over me, but it hit hard. In the mirror, my eyes leak tears that I didn't know were there. My hands take control and wipe them away aggressively. I need to plan an escape, immediately. The door swings open and in strolls infamous Aubrey.
"You okay, you seem sick." She applies lipstick, and cleans her teeth.
"I'm fine, got something itching my throat."
"Do you think that'll be cleared by the wedding? I need you to photograph every moment. Joe is willing to pay whatever. You know, I didn't think he was a man I could ever get to obey me, but I did. Men are so easy when you have a nice body and a mouth on you."

She doesn't blush or flinch the least bit and I'm not surprised. She's a piranha and she gets what she wants. She really wants me to take pictures of the wedding too. I couldn't get any luckier in life. I have to say something but I don't know what to say. Images of Joe flash to my mind, clogging my ability to function completely.
"Yeah, why not?"
"We'll be the best of friends, you're great."
I nod, leaving her in the restroom. My mind is rushing, and I feel so sick. Lizzie is pushing the stroller back and forth, Grayson is sound asleep.
"I have to go, I'll call you."
"Danielle, let me talk to you. Please?"
My ears feel clogged as I gather my things and start pushing the stroller. I can hear her feet following me and I ignore it. I don't know if I'm upset or just overwhelmed but I feel betrayal. This is my best friend, keeping secrets and supporting Joe in something that I;m uncomfortable with.

My car comes into view and the trunk is rising the closer I get. I load him into the car and fight to fold the stroller.

"Danielle, please. I can understand you're upset but-"
"But? But what Lizzie? But fucking what?"
There're tears building in her eyes, and I continue with the stroller. The one time I want to just go, this stupid thing won't fold up.

"But are you going to continue to blame everyone around you but yourself? You left Joe, so many times and did you ever fight to keep him? No. You're the only person you should be angry with. Then-Then, he finds someone who makes him fucking happy and you're MAD. Aubrey isn't so bad if you give her a chance. No, you just shut people out. Like you shut me out and now look? I'm pregnant, and I need you but what do you do? You leave because thats what you do. You leave people who fucking love you. You had a fucking child for christsake and did I get any involvment in that? You're mad and fucking lonely. Still chasing a man who doesn't give a fuck about you. Fuck you."
The stroller folds as I fold into myself. Her words stab every inch of me and I want anything but to disgaree with her. I want to share my side, let her into all the shit Joe took me through. I can't. My tongue is thick and my heart is heavy. I'm crying. Silent, broken tears slide down my face as if to confess my hurt without words. I want to say "Fuck you," or anything as mean as what she's just said to me. I don't. I can't. I slam the trunk and jump in the car. She's right. I have no one to be mad at but myself and oh boy, am I angry.