The Aftertaste

Chapter Twenty-One

The couch is soft underneath me. Joe is sitting in a chair, bearing his eyes into me. I'm confused. The rolled up paper in his hands bring me back to reality.
"Joe. I can explain."
"Explain."
He's calm and cold.
"I didn't know who was..who was the father. I didn't know. I'm sorry but I couldn't just tell you and I wasn't sure. I didn't want to break your heart even more."
"The way you fucking broke me so many times. I can't believe you. You didn't know? You can't do simple fucking math?"
"How did you even get this?"
He stands up, pacing the floor. I let my head rest against the back of the couch. Everything is spinning for me.
"Remember at the hospital? I have a friend there. Got us swabbed and got the DNA sent off. I knew something wasn't right. How could you hide this shit? You're a selfish bitch. Letting our son grow up without his father."
Our son. It hits me like bricks. He's right. I could've found out and I could've told him. I was selfish. I had my reasons. I wanted to protect him and keep him close. Not hurt him or Joe, or anyone. I couldn't swallow my pride.
"I'm sorry."
Our eyes meet and he seems as if he's about to cry. I want to cry. Lord, what was I thinking.
"How long."
"How long? What?"
"How long did you know he was mine?"
"Not long..I mean, I didn't know. He has pieces of you but I only see me."
"My mom seen it. She told me and I ignored her. How could you."
He's a stone in the winter time, cold and hard. I want to hold him and apologize but I know he wouldn't like that.
"I'm sorry."
"I heard you."
Silence. I can hear my heart and damn near his thoughts. This isn't something I ever could've been prepared for. I want to hide. Erase this embarrassment and move forward.
"Well..I should go."
My legs don't stand and it's as if I can't put in effort to go.
"Please stay."
He's crying. His head is buried in his knees. I've never seen him look so small and broken. I swallow. Stay? How can I stay when I'm in shock.
"Stay?"
"Please."
I hear a small sob and my heart breaks. Before I can stop myself, I have my arms around him. He doesn't fight or push me away or anything. We just cry together. Our pain and tears clogging up this space. There are no words to describe this moment. I've needed this without knowing I needed it. His arms pull me in and I melt. He always has this effect on me. I'm a child again, seeking comfort from the storm. He smells like home. He feels like home. He isn't home. He's someone else's home and for some reason, my body still thinks he's mine. I want to tell my soul to pack up its thing, evict his heart and move on. I don't. I can't. I won't. I'd live in his skin if I could.  Protect him from pain. I'd love him as hard as I've tried to over the years. I'd love him like he loved me when I was broken. My minds racing and I'm drunk on his smell. Silence fills the room again. Is he going to push me off? Ask me to leave? What are we doing right now. I don't let go. Soft snore drift up to me and I realize he's sleeping. His arms are still holding me close so I can't get loose if I wanted too. So much for escaping. Did I really want to, though?
My eyes feel heavy and I allow myself to relax against the couch.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper.
"I love you."
Oh no.