There once was a town named HelpMeMyAsthmaville. It was so cool. People lived there. Existed, even.
The town held celebrations for useless events for centuries. But there was this one event that was special.
A ONE DIRECTION CONCERT
There were thousands in the crowd, watching the five little men perform. It was everyone in town. Everyone except for one teenage boy named Paul Seductor.
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He sat in silence on his bed, listening to the boys performing in the distance.
He wanted to see the little men perform, of course, but his nipples hurt so fucking bad that they were bleeding.
"They sound so hot omg" Paul whispered to himself.
Not even a second later, a man appears in front of his bed?Q?Q?Q???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
That man was Harry Styles, and he held a candle.
"HARRY OMG" Paul exclaimed "HOW"
"I don't know, love. I guess I'm just destined to be here with you" Harry said, tucking a strand of his poopy hair behind his ear.
"Omg well what about the concert?"
"They can do it without me, love" Harry said, placing the candle on Paul's dresser, then sat in front of Paul on the bed "I want to make babies with you"
"Ummmm I have penis"
Harry sighed "Oh. Well my buddy made an mpreg machine-"
"No, Harry. I don't want to worry about babies right now. We can fuck without the babies"
"But as a kid I was told sex is only for baby making"
Paul placed his hand on Harry's knee "Whoever told you that was wrong dot com"
"I was also told that sex is a Texas drought"
"That's so poetic omg. But that's also wrong. Our body releases fluids. It's not dry"
"You're right"
Harry Styles and Paul Seductor did not have sex that evening, but instead ended up creating a song. A song that they would play during their first dance at their wedding three years later
"Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P Diddy (hey, what up girl?) Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city (let's go) Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack 'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't comin' back I'm talkin' pedicure on our toes, toes Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes Boys blowin' up our phones, phones Drop-toppin', playin' our favorite CDs Pullin' up to the parties Tryna get a little bit tipsy Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'ma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick-tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no Oh, whoa, whoa-oh Oh, whoa, whoa-oh Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'ma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick-tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no Oh, whoa, whoa-oh Oh, whoa, whoa-oh"
And they did end up using the mpreg machine a few years later, which impregnated Paul with triplets, which he lovingly gave birth to. They were named Kurt, Gwen, and Hayley. They loved candles.
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"I love our babies, husband Paul" Harry said, placing his hand on Paul's shoulder.
Paul purred like a cat "Me too"
"Tomorrow they'll be one month old. We should do something special for it"
"Really? Like what?"
Before Harry could answer, gunshots rang out just outside their home, along with bombs being blown. This caused both of them to stand up.
"It's Courtney Love" Harry mumbled under his breath
"Who's Courtney?" Paul yelled in fear.
"Doesn't matter, love. We need to go. Get the candle"
Paul grabbed the candle, then the two of them ran out of the house and joined the panicked crowd who was running toward the mountains. Many times Paul almost dropped Kurt oops.
After many miles of running, they stopped once they reached a pond, along with other random people that they knew from town. Sorry I guess they weren't so random people I apologize.
"Is anyone hurt?" Harry called out
"MY HEART" a voice called out
Everyone turned to look at a blonde women on a horse, along with a few other horses behind her.
The blonde women chuckled to herself "It's Courtney, bitch"
"COURTNEY THIS NEEDS TO STOP" Harry yelled, walking closer to Courtney.
"No. We have an affair, remember? Always have. And now I find out that you have children with some guy?"
Paul's heart dropped, yet he remained silent. Harry continued to get closer to Courtney.
"Courtney-"
Courtney hopped off her horse "Remember how I would sing to you?"
"Of course-"
"Remember how I got you a ball stretcher for your birthday?"
"YES OF COURSE I DO" Harry cried, falling to his knees
"You gave it to the other man, didn't you?"
Harry nodded "YES, OKAY?"
Courtney pressed a gun to Harry's head "You should learn when to go"
Harry shook his head "Stop quoting your own song-"
"YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO SAY NO gah emoji"
Then, the trigger was pulled or something, and Harry was dropped dead.
Paul screamed with his babies still in hand. He screamed into the candle that they loved a lot. They fucking loved that candle man.
BUT THEN THE CANDLE DID SOME COOL THINGS AND GREW SOME MOUNTAINS AROUND EVERYBODY. LIKE MAGIC WTF?!?!?! IT EVEN GREW A HOUSE FOR PAUL AND THE BABIES.
THAT night, Paul cried with his babies and his magic candle.
