Memory is such a funny thing.
I am capable of remembering dates and exact minutes of things that no longer serve me. I remember that my first kiss with that boy that I liked on my junior year happened on 08.08.2018. I also remember that I failed my driver's exam exactly at 9:36 of a Friday morning. But I don't remember a single thing of my grandpa, who died only a month after my 17th birthday, and was quite close to me.
I didn't get why everything from the past week reminded me of him, nor why me and my mom were so frequently mentioning him, until I realized he was supposed to turn 70 years old today, and the Universe was sending me a message.
My grandpa didn't get that chance just as he didn't get the chance to see his youngest son get married, or his oldest son to thrive on the carrier that he passed along. He didn't saw as my cousins got older and as my brother grew up. He didn't saw me graduating high school, turning 18, getting into med school or getting my first car.
If I really force my mind, I have flashes of memories of my childhood with him, but I just can't remember the last few years I had with him, and that horrible feeling just make me fell small.
I don't know what do I believe in, if there is a heaven and hell, a higher ground or just an infinite nothing, and I really don't care about it, but it's unnerving to fell like that my grandfather is being pulled away from me and I can't do anything about it. A thing that will probably happen to my memories of others too, that are still by my side but might not be here someday in the (distant, I hope) future.
My grandpa no longer lived in the same city I do, and for the majority of time I still think he's there, just waiting for a visit, and it breaks my heart that I can no longer visit him.
That's the big life or death situation: appreciating and taking care of the living, while remembering and honoring the ones that already passed away.
I don't know what comes next and have no interest in finding out before my time, but I can only hope he somehow knows that he's very much loved.
Mar/22
