Everything is so blurry. I can see but it's like I can't process what I'm seeing. I feel like a child, unable to understand what the adults are saying.
This is why I don't drink. But today was different and I wanted to experience this party. I'm finishing my 3rd year and had never been to one, it was time.
It was also time to move on. Kiss someone, make out, don't be so boring.
But I am boring. I want to marry, have kids and live happily ever after. Turns out you can't marry if you're not engaged, and you can't get engaged if you're not dating, and you can't date if you don't go out and meet people.
So I'm meeting people. Turns out I'm picky.
I want a man who has his life in order and will actually come up to me and talk. Will actually talk, and kiss me, and whatever.
Turns out it is too much to ask from men.
The man that I was actually interested in talking and kissing was famously not one to come up to a woman and kiss her, unless she took the initiative. And I'm famously not one to take the initiative.
But he came up to me. He talked to me. He was interested. He made me laugh. He flirted. He kissed me.
I was stunned, and so high on that kiss. I could've spent the whole night kissing him.
I can't even point out if it was his kiss or just a kiss that got me that way. I missed being kissed. And he was a good kisser.
We enjoyed some of the party separately, but we collided every now and then.
I got lost from my friends and he took care of me, he was holding me the whole time, helping me search for my friends and also making me laugh. Some other friend of mine found us and interrogated him, and I didn't even realized. She took me to the others and he only let go of me once he knew I was safe. I kissed him goodbye.
Until we collided again. And again. And again. I don't know how many times. I don't remember what I said. I remember flashes of him being funny and nice to me. Of him kissing me.
I miss his touch now. I miss him holding me.
I get attached so easily, I won't ever understand how people can just kiss, or even have sex without it mattering, without carrying this experience with them for the rest of their lives.
I can't go from strangers to lovers to strangers. It's not me.
And now I just wish he would come and get me.
Apr/24
