Star Trek Voyager: Eternity

Star Trek Voyager: Eternity (Chapter 5)

“Nothing…it doesn’t matter…” As Chakotay said these words to her Seven felt a chill of foreboding run up her back. He wouldn’t meet her eyes; she could see his throat moving as he swallowed continually, his feet shifting uneasily. He bolted from her presence as quickly as he had appeared, disappearing round a corner with unnatural speed. She tried to control the crushing feelings of loss and abandonment she felt at that moment but couldn’t, instead just falling back into the room, breathing heavily to hold back the torrent of tears. She suddenly felt Luke’s familiar grip around her legs and reluctantly glanced down; he was looking up at her with a triumphant expression on his face. “Mama, be happy. I made the bad man go away.”

Those words pricked Seven’s heart like needles, “What…what do you mean?” she asked shakily.

“I told him to go away.”

Seven felt her legs go weak as she realised Luke had rejected his own father, a devoted parent and the love of her life. She scooped him up and buried her face in his hair for a few seconds, taking the scant comfort his closeness offered her. Finally she recovered herself enough to set him down and kneel down beside him. “Listen, my love, I can tell anybody I don’t want to go away. You don’t need to protect me; my purpose in life is to protect you, okay?”

He nodded silently and she hugged him close. “Its bedtime.” She murmured and he nodded into her shoulder, letting her tuck him in without complaint. Seven left the room and pressed her back into the wall until it hurt, trying to distract herself from the emotional pain and failing dismally. Had she really betrayed Chakotay so utterly in allowing his children to forget him? He’s not their father, he no longer exists or else he would be here with me now and none of this would be happening.

The sound of her comm. badge penetrated her desolate mind. “Seven, come to my quarters please.” His voice sounded so cold, so detached, that it made her shudder and an irrational sickening fear swept through her.

She could think of no plausible reason to refuse him, so after a couple of anxiety charged moments she responded, trying to sound as normal as possible. “On…on my way.” She ordered her feet to move but they remained frozen to the spot. Her struggling heart sought solace in looking at Isabel; sound asleep in her cot, blissfully unaware of the storm her mother knew was brewing. Seven eventually somehow managed to place that expressionless mask over her face that more often than not tricked the people around her, but it hurt to have to hide from the man whom she trusted so deeply.

When Seven entered the room she saw something which shocked her and confirmed her worst fears. Chakotay sat tense and crouching on the edge of a chair he’d turned to face the door, his eyes staring blankly into the glass he was nursing, whiskey if she wasn’t mistaken. The activated screen behind him produced the only light in the room, mercilessly revealing the certificates which marked three of the main events of her life. His eyes lifted at her entrance and he pinned her to where she stood with his eyes, his expression unreadable. “So, have you got something to explain to me Seven?” His cold tone didn’t hide the anger bubbling beneath.

“No.” she replied stoically, equally cold, equally expressionless.

Chakotay stared at her, the weight of shock lifting, finally freeing his emotions. He stood up angrily, so suddenly that the glass in his hand fell to the floor and smashed, the sound mirroring Chakotay’s out of control emotions as he came towards Seven. “You never feel anything do you?” Seven forced herself to meet his wild eyed gaze, keeping the pain from her eyes. “The children don’t know me…was I such a bad husband…” An angry sob burst from him, “Do you hate me that much…”

These words gave Seven’s self control a mortal wound and the tears that were its blood began to flow. “How can you say that to me?” she choked out between wretched sobs. “When I saw you…I thought I was going insane…what was I supposed to say?”

Her tearful reaction did not really hit Chakotay at this point. “I still have a right to know!”

“It is irrelevant! None of this will happen!” Her eyes blazed up at him, almost crazed with grief.

Chakotay seized her arm roughly, “Don’t you dare call our relationship irrelevant…” He stopped her reply by giving into his passionate impulse and kissing her hard. At first Seven automatically responded, allowing him to intensify the kiss further with every passing second, eventually the enormity of what she was doing hit her and she jerked back, forcing herself to turn her face away from his.

For Chakotay it was as if the anger he’d been feeling towards her had been sucked out of him as he kissed her. He still held her shoulders tightly but the tears streaming from the beautiful eyes which wouldn’t meet his filled the void with shame and guilt. He gazed at her wordlessly as she shook with grief, he could taste salt on his lips from where they’d met her tears. Seven bit her lip and tried to stop herself from shaking but it just got worse, finally she looked him directly in the face. “Why did you do that Chakotay?” she whispered resentfully.

“Because I wanted to…”

Her only reply to that was a bitter laugh. “Don’t lie to me, I know you are experiencing guilt, you feel obligated towards me. I don’t want you to owe me, I want you to love me but that is impossible…”

Chakotay felt indignant. “Why? Why do you think it’s impossible?”

“You know why.” She muttered desolately.

“No, I don’t! All I know is that within six months of where I came from we were married, in less than four years we’d had two kids! Look, while I’ve been here…even before that, I was drawn to you. You have no idea how jealous I was of your husband…”

Seven’s head dropped low, “My husband is dead.” She stated, her eyes dull and far away.

Chakotay rubbed her quivering lips with his thumb, “I’m right here…”

Her head snapped up and she stepped out of his hold. “Then who was it who left me with a nineteen month old and a three week old baby to raise? Who…” She began to truly cry now, huge breath robbing, heart wrenching sobs. “Who…stood at the altar with me…and saw Luke and Isabel…born and named them? Who…died…in my arms…”

Seeing her fall apart like this shattered Chakotay’s heart into tiny pieces. She loves me and still grieves for me… He pulled her into his arms trying to help the broken woman who affected him so much. She spoke again forcing out something she felt she had to say. “I didn’t want the children to forget you…”

“I didn’t mean what I said Seven…” Chakotay started, but she continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“…but they’re so young…Isabel had only been out of Sickbay for two days…At first Luke asked for you constantly…but I never encouraged him…it was too painful for me…then one day he never asked at all…that was one of the worst days of my life…”

“I’m sorry…so sorry…” Chakotay choked, his own tears joining hers.

Seven stepped back against the doors. “Don’t say that…you gave me all that I have…” She turned to leave, desperate to escape the emotional cage she was trapped in.

He grabbed arm again, “Don’t leave like this Seven…”

She turned to him sharply, her eyes glistening. “If you feel anything for me, let me go and forget this. I refuse to be the reason you forfeit what you want when you return.” He was so stunned he let her go and she fled before he could formulate his answer.

“You are what I want…” he whispered, but she was gone.