Finding myself again: An opened journal

March 2nd, 2022

Authors Note WARNING to readers:
Please understand I will jump to different parts of my mind, because that's how my mind is, when somethings on my mind in any moment I tend to talk about whatever that is, But I will always stay on topic even if I'm not on topic!

Don't judge me! 🤣
And do not fuss at me

Mi'Kia,
where have you been?

Listen to the way I sound even talking to myself... here I am a 27 year old single mother, with two boys, from two VERY different men. Not saying that that's what I wanted, but that's exactly what happened. I met my oldest child's father when I was 19 he was 27 at that time. "I Love You" sometimes just isn't enough anymore. After dealing with him for almost 6 years, I had had enough, and ended things; and low and behold didn't think one of my good friends, would be the father to my second child, but alas he is and now I can't stand that Bastard!

Trying to catch a break has been hard, Ive been silently crying on the inside not wanting my boys to see Mommy is down well not just them family and friends too, but damn man I think if I don't say what's on my mind anymore I'll explode... so I figured I'll just write it out..

I'm so fucking angry with my self, and to be honest I can't even stand to look at myself the same. It's sad but it's the truth. I brought this upon myself I saw the signs, I saw the red flags and I still stayed. I just got catfished for ALMOST 10 MONTHS and it took a picture, A PICTURE that I saw once before, to make me WAKE THE HELL UP! Luckily he never NOT ONCE got the cookie. Yay! But I hate that allowed him too close to my heart and that was my son.

So disappointed in you Mi'Kia or Ni'Kia whoever the hell, you wanna refer to yourself as! "I think it's time for me to find myself again," do you remember when you said that because; I do? Let's start from scratch to see where the hell we went wrong so we can bring us back!

I will get the old me, and the ELEVATED me to coincide. Because who I am now, I don't like her! She's just like the old me, happy and smiling but instead she's confused, hurt, heartbroken, lost, undecided, naïve and most of all sad and lonely!

Today for the first time I spent 4 hours without having to yell, fuss, clean/wipe a butt after a poop, change a diaper, clean up after either of the boys. AKA: no mommy duties, besides checking in to see if they were okay! 🤣

Today self activity: Had a great spa day. Got a great foot massage, read a book. Meditated.

NOTE TO SELF:
Now go do something to your head "looking like a black history moment!"- Aunt bam., In Madeas Christmas the play! Love that movie but seriously I will do my hair before this week is out!
But how should I style it? Decisions decisions..

Ps: Get up and do something that you keep trying to put off.
(Laundry) 🤣