Finding myself again: An opened journal

March 3rd, 2022 @1:34am

Authors note: Picture shown above is the picture that opened my eyes to the many many lies!

1:27am
I can't believe what time it is and I literally am sitting here trying to put these boys back to bed. I just gave them a bath, to hope this helps put them back to sleep. Normally it works miracles but for this little one he's up and fighting.
I'm trying not to pull my damn hair out. Was literally about to take a shower, drink some tea, and read a book on this damn app. I can't now until the lil one goes back to bed...  My mind is racing so here I am at my computer typing away.

I honestly can't believe I let someone whom I was questioning so much manipulate me, and make me second guess my own damn character. Crazy how shit happens. I met him off line and we instantly hit it off. Our energy was perfect our conversation was perfect... but me being the hopeless romantic that I am.. ignored the red flags like a dummy.. ignored my mother, my siblings... I told them all that, until I had had enough that none of them can tell me anything. I chose to believe the lies even though I knew that they were just that LIES... false accusations, false hope, an entire FAKE ASS RELATIONSHIP! Man there I was bragging about how great "My Man" 😂😂😂😂 was only to look like the worlds biggest dummy!! And crazy thing is you'd think I would've learned from the last time I was catfished lmao, however the other person actually apologized, this one I didn't even give him a chance.. I gladly cussed him out wished him the best, blocked his ass, deleted all the bullshit... and walked away.... With a smile on my face, and a tear rolling down my right cheek.. I felt and feel so low.. like why do people feel the fucking need to mess with someone's feelings!!! It sucks even more so because, I think about it every day since the break up and it's been 2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 15 hours, 11 mins and 24 seconds.. but whose counting lmfaooo!! 😂😂

Damn!
I wasted 9 1/2 months on a "relationship" hoping for some truth to come to the light.. this damn dude had his friend posing to be him. The time he came to see me was his friend.. apparently his friend was the guy I've been talking too... lol damn man.. he was telling his friend what to say.. AND I FELL FOR IT. Crazy thing is I'm not sure if I fell for the bs, because I was going through very bad Postpartum Depression (PPD) at the time, or if it was because I was trying to fill the void that had opened, when I had to break up with my baby boys dad, because that relationship DRAINED ME COMPLETELY!!!

After my baby boys dad and I separated, I was devastated, hurt, heartbroken, and depressed. He wasn't there for absolutely nothing!! Didn't help he couldn't come to the first few appointments but when he could come, he only came to ONE and I was at the doctor every two weeks, up until I gave birth. I had my brothers put my sons crib together.. I put together my own dresser, closet, organized my sons stuff all by myself.. he was at the birth but wasn't at the damn birth!! 😂😂😂 man there's so much I need to get off my chest.

As much shit as I talk about him, lol all in all he was a great guy. We just didn't work well together.. sometimes friends should just stay friends or just separate.. and we should've separated... before the baby came into the picture. Not saying I regret my son at all!!!!! I love my damn kids, but things were easier with just one ignorant ass BD now I have two..

THANK YOU JESUs FINALLY:
They both finally fell asleep at like 3:37 am!!
Just getting my ass up outta bed at 10:20am don't feel like doing nothing I was planning to do today but I have to..

P.S. Keep your guard up, until God gives you the sign to drop it! -Kia (me)

Go do your head Mi'Kia.. lol its been that time...

Seems like writing is about to be my safe haven!