They say that when you love something you let it go, and if it comes back then it was meant to be. In all honesty I've always lived by that saying! I can honestly say that I've been madly in love 3x for sure! The first time I was in love was with Tigg's dad, the second time was with Re'Shaud, and the third was with DJ.
With Re'Shaud, I messed that up on my own without even knowing I messed things up, he took what I said out of context and it just made it more then what it was. He and I have this connection, that I truly don't think will ever be truly broken until either of us finds our soulmates, or it won't be broken because we possibly are just that. SOULMATES. But if he is my soulmate, maybe he's just my comfort soulmate, because I am always 1000x more comfortable with him then with anyone. Hell I even tried anal because that's what he liked.
And I was with tiggs dad for damn there almost 7 years and hadn't even done half the shit i was used too.. (he was boring in the bed, but he had good D).
Re'Shaud, though He loved my ass lol the lil ass I had, you would've sworn I had a Rihanna, or Beyoncé type booty hell even Ciara, the way he talked about it! Lol NGL I loved that shit! He never not once made me feel insecure about the way I looked. And because I had always been unsecured it was definitely appreciated and it turned me into MY BIGGEST FAN. For that I'll always care for him. BUT I wasn't into anal like he was, like it really turned him on, and it hurt like fuck the first time.. can't even believe I did it more then once... lol I'm a bitch when it comes to pain! But to please my mans, in the bedroom so the next thot won't, seemed just fine to me!
DJ, that's such a long ass disappointing story. We were inseparable my freshman year, of high school. We had so much in damn common, but he just couldn't be 💯 about shit to his people about me, and it lasted for far too long so I split.. from 2008-2013, I let him go.
Then I met tiggs dad Jay. Tiggs dad and I had a rollercoaster of a relationship we were so off and on and it didn't help, that after the first 2 years, with the miscarriages, then in 2016 I got pregnant with tigg. I was 6 months before he got sentenced to prison for a mandatory 5 years. For not knowing how to stay out of other peoples shit!!!!
When he got sent away, I was lost. I was lost and angry. I was lost because he took care of me, yes I was worrying and all that but he spoiled me rotten. Massages, food, clothes, sex, head, hugs, embraces... that's all lies, cuz I'm the one that did it all for him and got his bare fucking minimum, and when he was in there he finally asked me to marry him. I was pissed tf off!! Like how damn dare you!! You wait til you go to PRISON to want to marry me?! Why? You know what he said to me? Do you know what he asked of me!?
He wanted me to wait! He wanted me to not talk to anyone until he came home. He wanted me to prove my loyalty!!!! Like nigga are you freaking kidding me!!???? You went to jail within our first 6 months of dating, for shoplifting, you went to jail after the first year, right after we lost our second baby, left me to deal with surgery alone! Then he goes to prison and now wants to prove that he loves, me! Boy STFU! See back then I accepted it because man I loved that dude!! Like I seriously would've jumped in front of a bullet for him! That's how deep my love was. And for his other 2 children! You would've thought I birthed them kids. They LOVED me. But ever since I broke up with their daddy back in 2020, things have definitely changed...
I have decided to not revisit the past relationships that fell and almost broke me. I'm no longer gonna continue to let someone hurt me whose already hurt me once before come steal my happiness! 💯💯💖💖🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽
Thinking about love. Just makes me feel it. I feel love from my family, my kids especially, but most of all from myself. For the longest I absolutely didn't like the way I looked! I hated how tall and skinny I was. I hated the fact that my nose was too big. I hated the fact that I'm knock-kneed. I hate that I have to wear a size 9 shoe! I hated that I never got my braces to fix my teeth. I hated that I never had the ass I wanted. I hated that I don't have hips. I hated that I had to wear glasses because I felt prettier without them!
Man I can keep going on for days!
But
I won't!
Why not?
Because
.......
I'm a bad bitch!! Okay I am freaking gorgeous! And to hell with whomever don't agree!!! I am the shit!!! I'm talented, goofy, kinda tomboyish, slim and getting thick!!! Lol when I look in the mirror now all I say is damn girl!!
It took me so long to come back to loving me again and I thank God for being so patient with me! For reminding me that I didn't need the approval from others to feel validated about the way I should look! I love that I can now embrace my flaws, because if I don't who else will!?
NO ONE!
AN: Take a look in the mirror and remind yourself that you ARE ENOUGH!
Todays self activity:
Went out to lunch with my mama! With the boys lol that was tragic. Major was being a boov! Tigg was getting in trouble every 10 mins! Lol yikes!
Down side: My cycle started! 😩😩😤😤😤😡🤬
P.S. Keep pushing yourself, to be the best version of you!
Keep striving for greatness!
Keep up the good work!
Keep paying it forward!
Keep positive energies around you!
Keep dancing!
Keep smiling!
JUST KEEP BEING YOU! 🙂
YOU ARE READING
Finding myself again: An opened journal
Non-FictionThis work of art is going to be, just a daily journal about my struggles day to day, trying to rediscover who I am, what I want, what I feel, and what I I can do to help me change anything I don't like, what can I do to be a better mother, and who...
