Lost in your own mind

When does the chase end?

Life is an endless chase for happiness, satisfaction, meaning, and composure. So when does it end? When do we find those things? My grandma once said that we will never truly find those things, life is about treasuring those times when they come, and remembering them in the bad times knowing they will eventually come again. I think that's what keeps me going honestly, knowing that even if right now is bad, eventually, it'll get better. I'm an avid believer that God has a reason for everything that happens, good, bad, and in between. Now don't leave just yet, I know I brought up God. I also know that a lot of people who struggle with mental health, or loss have found comfort in thinking He doesn't exist because how can such awful things happen if that's the case. When I was 14 my mom got into a car accident, before that we were always going to church, serving, and going on missions. I mean we were doing the most, and what were we getting back. My parents still fought, my dad still drank, my brothers still had anger issues, I was still wanting to end my short life. So what was the reason honestly. After her accident, we stopped going to church, because without her there wasn't really any motivation to go. She has and is still fighting battles that the car accident left her with, I was only 14 and I became the step in mom for my little brothers. I couldn't go out with friends anymore, I wasn't in school so I didn't have any social time, my mom couldn't stand up for more then 20 minutes, no lights in the house could be on, she wore sunglasses to go to the bathroom, the tiniest sounds made her so angry and irritated. We kind of gave up, not thinking anything would get better. I was so fucking exhausted being the only one clinging onto the hope she would get better and be the fun, spontaneous, loud women she was. Do you know what happened though? I decided to turn to God and ask for help to make it through this awfully miserably period of my life, to just show me a little hope for brighter days. That was my comfort, and that faith I had that He would make things even just a little better, and it ended up making things a whole lot better. She found a doctor that actually helped her see the issues no one else could find, my dad slowed on drinking, my brothers started finding joy again. Did we continue going to church? No, we prayed together at home and read the Bible every once in awhile. Overall i knew it was God who helped push us to continue on. I don't know the exact answer on why God let's bad things happen, but I do know He will never give us something we can't handle. Think about all the bad terrible things you've been through, you're still here right even just that alone is a positive. You're sitting here reading with me.. it may feel like you're barely hanging on, but you're here. Now I'm not here to shove christianity down your throat, overall I'm here to help you realize there's someone out here who feels just like you do.. Anyways, back to where I was.. life's a chase, we're constantly chasing the good, better, and best. I'm constantly overthinking if the decisions I've made to this point where I am today were the right ones. Did I make the right career choice, did I marry the right person, am I a good big sister, am I a good daughter? I can replay the decisions daily, I can overthink all I want. At the end of the day though, I'm the one who decides. Do I want to close my eyes happy, or do I want to worry about the what ifs. What I do know is I love my job, so who gives a fuck if I made the right choice or not I'm happy. I do know my husband desperately loves me, and even the days he's not good at showing it he still shows it. I do know my brothers and sisters still will come to me if they need love. I do know my parents love me no matter what. Does everybody have those things.. no.. but you have me, and at the end of the day the only thing that matters is I'm here for you.
Life is a chase
It'll always be a chase
But remember to savor the good
Push away the bad
And treasure the best
Keep chasing, because one day when you're old and gray the chase will have been worth it.
I know I'm all over the place with each chapter I write, but honestly this is a very public diary that you guys get to share with me. We're getting lost in my mind, and maybe just maybe you have some of the same thoughts as me and we're getting lost together.
Maybe just maybe.