You Found Me

When I Said Goodbye

The distinct scent of mustiness wafts around the church as I look at the luminous green and red stained glass window of Mary holding a baby Jesus. The serious looking priest stands at the podium. His eyes sunken, his lips narrowed into a lifeless smile.

"Now, I am going to read a poem by Clare Jones that was chosen by Terrance's beloved wife, Mary. She originally wanted to read it for him but she has asked for my help today. It is called, As We Look Back."

As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering .....
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us .....
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgment,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.

He finishes the poem and continues on with some prayers, I am sat behind Matt who is huddled closely to Mary. She has cried the entire time throughout the service, my heart is truly broken for her. Two people in their family have been robbed by this pandemic, leaving everyone around them completely devastated. As we are all made to stand to sing the last hymn, the door of the church swings open and a flustered Steph steps in, she cautiously runs up and slides into the pew next to me. "Sorry, I'm so late. There was a terrible incident with an eighty-year-old woman who needed a root canal treatment and that turned into an extraction because the tooth disintegrated in half," she huffs in a whisper, fanning herself with her hand. "It's ok, thanks for coming," I reply, squeezing her hand. "I wouldn't of missed it for the world. Someone had to be here to support you. How is poor Michael Bublé over there?" She whispers in an almost patronizing manner. "He's holding up well, I think. What's with the sarcasm, how did it go between you two the other night?" I ask. Steph shakes her head and puts her index finger to her lips. "We will have to chat properly about this later. I don't want to upset anybody by not singing along to this banging tune." She takes an order of service from the empty seat in front of her and sings along with the rest of the congregation.

Amazing grace! how sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now I'm found;
Was blind, but now I see...

I give Steph a once over, she is dressed smartly with her black trench coat, pencil skirt and patent stiletto heels. I spy a hot pink shirt poking out at the top, typical Stephanie to do something like this. I can't help but smile. I hate funerals and singing at the best of times and today is no exception. Churches have always creeped me out, although it didn't stop myself and Eamon from fucking behind the altar during the summer holidays when we were sixteen. I mime badly along with everyone else, hoping that I won't have to endure this for much longer. I hear a gentle sob from the front, Matt and Mary are embracing. She's clutching on to his shoulders tightly, head buried deep in his chest. Matt sees that I'm staring at them and glances over at me, his eyes filled with tears, he blinks them away abruptly and turns back to look at the Priest. He approaches the coffin which has an array of white and red roses overflowing it. Placing his hand on the coffin the priest sighs heavily, "Give him, oh Lord, your peace and let your eternal and light shine upon him." He looks over solemnly at all of us as we say in unison, "Amen."
Three elderly friends of Terry along with Matt slowly lift the casket and proceed through the church, back out through the entrance as the song You'll Never Walk Alone starts to play. "Lovely, thanks for coming today. Both of you," Mary approaches us, her eyes red raw from crying. Usually bubbly and chubbier she looks so frail and a shell of her normal self. "It was an honor to know him, even though it was for such a short period of time. Terry made a giant impact on me," I smile, as she takes me into her arms. "I never got to meet him but he sounded like a terrific guy," Steph adds, rubbing her back. "Oh my, we have not been introduced properly. I'm Mary and you're Stephanie," Mary shakes Steph's hand and gently kisses her on both cheeks. "That's my name don't wear it out," she smirks playfully in reply. Mary nods and attempts a small smile. "Are you both coming along to the wake?" She asks. How do I get out of this one quickly, I think to myself? I'm not a close family member or friend, I would just feel as though I am sticking out like a sore thumb. "I wouldn't want to impose on you and your family," I say. "Yeah, certainly not. Keep it as a family affair," Steph interjects, waving her hand. "Nonsense, you two will ride with me in the Limo and I've already set you up a table by yourselves so you don't have to endure any unnecessary mingling. Give my Matthew a cuddle when you can, he's taken this really badly. He will never show it but his heart is broken, so is mine. I'm afraid it will never heal again," she pats a tissue over her eyes, her chest gasping. Her rosy cheeks are soaked with tears. "We will definitely come with you. I think the best thing to do in these situations is to talk about all of the good times and I'm sure you guys had plenty of those. He will never truly be gone, Mary. He is always with you," Steph beams, taking Mary's arm and leads her out the church as I follow closely behind them.