Out of the Loop

Broken

July 26th 2018

Jungkook laid awake on his bed, his eyes closed in an attempt to sleep. Today was another one of their free days, and his hyungs all had plans; the maknae was certain he heard a few of them planning a date.

He'd never been taken out on a date—surely it must be nice.

Jungkook turned over, looking at his alarm clock. "14:04", the clock read, causing Jungkook to sigh—he had lost the willpower to get out of bed ages ago.

He's been waking up later and later each day to the point where his hyungs have yelled at him to wake up and get ready. He wasn't oversleeping on purpose—he just didn't feel like being awake.

His chest was heavy—he felt numb all over, like he couldn't feel anything. That was a good thing he supposed; it's not like he wanted to feel anymore anyway.

All he felt was shame, anxiety, and sorrow these days.

He was getting tired of the same thing everyday. Ashamed about himself, anxious at work, and sad when alone. Why couldn't life be easy?

As much as Jungkook wanted to stay in bed all day, he knew he eventually needed to get up—and he really needed to use the bathroom; maybe he could get a snack too.

Jungkook huffed—his arms ached as they pushed against the bed. Lifting himself up, Jungkook took a second to pause. He felt really lightheaded from that. He is probably just dehydrated or needs more sleep.

Getting out of bed, the maknae trudged weakly out of his room and towards the bathroom. After finishing his business, the maknae flushed and proceeded to wash his hands. His eyes glanced at his reflection in the mirror; he noticed something was off.

His shirt was on backwards. How childish...

Childish; he despised that word. He hated how everyone still saw him as a kid—some brat.

And to think it was all Kookie's fault—surely it had to be. He had been trying so, so hard to be a man. He worked out, got hot, and even tried acting manlier.

Yet it's moments like this that completely ruined it for him. Months had passed since he had last slipped, and the maknae noticed himself still acting like a little kid!

For Christ's sake, he wasn't little, yet he still made a fuss about the littlest things: stuffies, games, and even his food! What kind of adult did that?!

He is 21! Not some stupid 6 year old. Jungkook felt his anger rising, why did little space have to ruin everything for him?

There was always a problem with him. It was always: "Oh stop being so childish, Jungkook."

"Oh stop playing with your food, Jungkook."

"Oh stop being such a baby, Jungkook."

He was trying his best, he was fucking trying. It wasn't his fault—it wasn't!

It was the stupid baby side of him who had to ruin everything.

He hasn't seen Kookie in so long, yet he was still there, somewhere, ruining Jungkook's life. Jungkook has never wanted to hurt someone more.

It was Kookie's fault that he was a failure. It was Kookie's fault that his manager harassed him. It was Kookie's fault that his hyungs didn't love him as much. It was all Kookie's fault!

He didn't want his hyungs to hate him anymore. He didn't want to be bullied anymore. He didn't want to be bad!

He was trying so hard to give Jungkook what he wanted: to be a big boy, to be 21.