Didn't we almost have it all

The letter

It's been three days since Fletch carried a seemingly lifeless Jac onto Darwin.
Three days since he took his place at her bedside wrestling with a jumble of thoughts, memories and emotions. It was really no secret that he still loved Jac. No one was surprised that he'd organised for someone to look after his kids and couldn't bring himself to leave this room.
She was sleeping, her steady breathing a comfort to him. He sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair.
This was so unfair, hadn't she been through enough. Life had already dealt her a pretty shitty hand and was this the final card?
He glanced around the side room and spotted a stack of old obs sheets that were now rarely used with the introduction of electronic notes. He grabbed a pen and began a letter
My darling Jac
I know that you told me to go home but when did I ever do what you said? You're sleeping right now and I'm left with a head full of Jac Naylor that I need to get down on paper whether you get to read it or not.
It's hard to remember a time when I wasn't aware of you- first by just reputation, then in awe giving Connie Beauchamp a run for her money two Ice Queens defending their realms.
Of course over the years we came across each other but that first spark came when Emma and Theo had a fight in crèche. That spark that lit the fire of bickering enemies.
I looked forward to verbal sparring with you and no matter what you say I know you loved it too. Every day was exciting and it became 'our' thing. People noticed.
I can't believe you're lying there in that bed as if you've not already been through enough, in fact let's be honest this is not the first time I've sat by your bedside worried that I was going to lose you.
I'm trying not to think too hard about what seems inevitable and once again I plan to ignore you and keep on looking for a solution or a miracle.
I think you know I love you. When you had a breakdown I told you that you were the last thing I thought about at night and the first thing I thought about in the morning. It's been that way for longer than I care to admit and it's still like that now.
As I sit here I still wonder why you didn't tell me how ill you were. I get that maintaining a 'normal'' relationship with me made it easier for you to ignore but I also think you were protecting me- you've done that before when you were in such severe pain months after the shooting. You will say it was so as not to upset me- I think it was also because you knew I would make you stop and look after yourself which you never do.
The issue of' me and you- us - was never really resolved was it. You did a great job of pushing me away in the name of friendship. I think you were scared of caring too much and leaving yourself vulnerable to getting hurt. I understand why you built your walls, understand that you've been hurt so
many times especially by the people you have loved - your mum, Jonny and even the love of your life Joseph but just know Jac that I would never have hurt you. I know that you will scoff at that given my track record but I have never felt like this before and if you get through this I hope you could consider letting me in, letting me love you.
This whole situation is messed up, it's surreal to think you might not be around much longer and I know I'm not the only one that will be devastated. You actually have no idea how much you mean to a lot of people and I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you. We came so close Jac- in the words of Whitney 'didn't we almost have it all'
If you read this just know that whatever time you have left I'll be here even if it's to have you die in my arms
All my love
Always
Your Fletch xx
He re read what he had written and tears fell onto the page.
He carefully folded the paper and turned it over and over in his hands
"Hey you, what have you got there?"
Jac's voice startled him. He quickly wiped the tears
"Hi you're awake. How you doing"
"Oh you know, living the dream" she smiled weakly "what have you got there?"
"Oh nothing really"
She raised her eyebrow in true Naylor fashion.
He laughed "it's a letter I wrote to you"
"Can I read it?"
"Hmm yes but not while I'm here. I think I will go and get a shower and change"
"Well it's about time Fletcher- getting a bit whiffy in here"
"Cheek" he smiled "here but wait until I'm long gone before you read it" he handed over the letter and left