Didn't we almost have it all

Making sense of it

The door closed quietly behind Fletch as he left. The room silent now his larger than life presence had gone.
Jac held the letter and smiled at his messy scrawl
Jac
She was uncharacteristically scared to open it. She took a deep breath and slowly unfolded the paper
My darling Jac
She smiled again resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She would absolutely have done that if he'd been sitting there!
It's hard to remember a time when I wasn't aware of you
She'd always been aware of who he was too, not that she would ever tell him that. Who hadn't heard of the cheeky ED nurse, the heartbreaker, adulterer. Jac was always of the opinion that there are two sides to every story and who was she to judge anyone else
I looked forward to verbal sparring with you and no matter what you say I know you loved it too. Every day was exciting and it became 'our' thing. People noticed
"I did love it" she said out loud to the empty room. She realised she always looked for where he was when she entered the ward and was disappointed when he wasn't there. She knew people noticed, Frieda had probably been the only one brave enough to call her on it but, being Jac Naylor, she had denied it.
...this is not the first time I've sat by your bedside worried that I was going to lose you.
Every one of those times was firmly locked in her memory. Sometimes she would wake before he realised and was overwhelmed by the look of care and concern that was always on his face. Was that love?
I think you know I love you. When you had a breakdown I told you that you were the last thing I thought about at night and the first thing I thought about in the morning. It's been that way for longer than I care to admit and it's still like that now.
Her heart ached with shame when she remembered all the times she had said terrible things to him- he never faltered, he never left, he always cared. Was that love?
...you were protecting me- you've done that before when you were in such severe pain months after the shooting. You will say it was so as not to upset  me- I think it was also because you knew I would make you stop and look after yourself  which you never do.
He was right, every time she hadn't told him about the tumour or the unrelenting pain she'd had after the shooting it was to protect him. As she said she didn't know how to tell him, knowing he would not only be upset but would also try to bulldoze her towards help and probably time off work which simply was not an option- usually
The issue of' me and you- us - was never really resolved was it. You did a great job of pushing me away in the name of friendship. I think you were scared of caring too much and leaving yourself vulnerable to getting hurt.
She smiled wryly "of course I was scared of caring too much you big lump"
I understand why you built your walls, understand that you've been hurt so
many times especially by the people you have loved - your mum, Jonny and even the love of your life Joseph
Tears welled up in her eyes, you could definitely add Kian to that list. She'd loved them all, they'd all abandoned her.
Fletch was the only one who stuck around come what may
but just know Jac that I would never have  hurt you
"I know" she whispered
if you get through this I hope you could consider letting me in, letting me love you.
Silent tears rolled down her cheeks
We came so close Jac- in the words of Whitney 'didn't we almost have it all'
She laughed "soppy git"
If you read this just know that whatever time you have left I'll be here even if it's to have you die in my arms
All my love
Always
Your Fletch xx
Jesus - die in his arms, I don't want to put him through that but I need him. I'd have a hard job stopping him anyway
She held the letter against her heart and allowed the tears to flow
This letter took some courage to write and he was wearing his heart on his sleeve- he was always good at that
"God I love you too Fletch"