Didn't we almost have it all

What he needs to know

This night was never ending but Jac wasn't going to be able to sleep. She once again glanced over at the sleeping figure of Fletch and was shocked by the tidal wave of emotion and love that washed over her
Time to write some of this down
My dearest Fletch
I am sitting here watching you sleep. I know I don't really show it but I am so grateful that you're here. You're here even though I've pushed you away so many times, said so many awful things to you over the years.
In your letter you said  that you think I know you love me- I have always found it difficult to accept love from anyway. It's a way of not getting hurt but as I lie here contemplating my potential demise I regret not opening myself up to the possibility more often and I regret panicking when you laid your cards on the table that day in my office. You called me out on the fact we had been getting closer and I tried to deny it because, of course, I felt the same.
I know you'll never abandon me Fletch and you need to know I love you too
There, I've admitted it and it feels good ha classic me - too little too late! But I don't want to die without you knowing this and there is a massive risk of me not making it through the operation but your pig headedness has at least given me that chance.
Just imagine if I come through. I have thought about this and how I will feel having told you all this.
Since finding out the tumour had come back and was so bad , I have been re evaluating my life, my choices, my priorities. Work has defined me but what if I have residual deficits which mean I can't be a surgeon. Well , you know what, I don't care. If I get a second chance at life I want to have no more regrets. I need to take chances to find happiness. I hope you can see where this is going . I want to take the chance in you- us if you'll have me.
You were right you know Fletch we did almost have it all. Do you think we could get it right this time?
We're older and so are the kids. I know I had concerns about messing up and involving them but they're all resilient and honestly no one would be surprised
I'm so sorry it had to wait until I was on my deathbed for me to tell you how I feel
Much love
Your Jac xxx
With a sigh she put her pen down and folded the paper
"Hi" Fletch said startling her
"Bloody hell - you scared me I thought you were still asleep"
"Mmm looked like you were concentrating hard"
She chuckled softly "it's a letter for you actually. I've been busy I've written one for Sacha and some funeral instructions. Can I ask you to deal with those two?"
Fletch felt sick at the mention of her funeral
"I don't want to think about your funeral Jac"
He brought his chair nearer the bed and grasped her hand
"Hey we need to be positive" he said
"We need to be prepared" she stroked his knuckles "it's what I want whenever my funeral is. Now or 40 yrs from now"
"And you're entrusting me with organising things"
"I trust you Fletch"
"What and you think we'll still know each other in 40 yrs"
She closed her eyes "I hope so' she whispered. She looked down to find Fletch with his forehead resting on their intertwined hands and she could feel the dampness of his tears
"Fletch don't. Ssshh it's ok. I'm sorry"
"Fuck Jac my heart is battered"
She stroked his hair with uncharacteristic tenderness
"Why don't you take a break? Go get a coffee and something to eat"
He sat up and blinked the tears away
"Ok"
"They'll be coming for the pre op checks soon. Today's the day"
"How could I forget"
"Take these please" she handed over the letters for him and Sacha and the funeral instructions. "Fine" he said flatly and left the room
She hoped when he returned he would have looked at his letter and finally understand what she needed him to know.