kilby girl [hs]

chapter 20

levi kilby

"I know you want this just as much as I do"

"getting back together is best for us"

"Please Levi just think about it"

I stare at my phone through the condensation covered glass of the shower as it buzzes against the tile floor of the bathroom, notifications flooding my lockscreen. As water runs down my back and tears spill from my eyes Tate's words swirl around my mind.

I'm just so confused. I don't know who I am anymore. All I want is to move on and he won't let me. He's always there. Nobody shuts up about him. Why is healing so difficult? Why does he refuse to let me heal?

As I stare at the water pooling at the drain I focus on the silence mixing with the water beating down on the porcelain floor of the shower in an attempt to drown out my thoughts. It works for a moment as my mind goes silent, my thoughts freeze and the only thing on my mind is the sound of the water.

Although that doesn't last long before my mind is flushed with thoughts once again. I drove Tate home last night. I didn't know what to do with myself when I got home, my mind was running wild with anger. Eventually I stole the bottle of whiskey from my Dad's cabinet. I hate that I did it but I didn't know what else to do, my mind wouldn't shut up.

At least I'm coping, at least I'm trying. It might not be the best way of doing it but it's still something.

The water hitting my back is now cold and my mascara from the day before has washed away and now lies under my eyes. As shivers coat my skin I pull myself up and turn off the water.

Wrapping  myself with a towel the tears won't stop pouring from my eyes. I try to contain my sobs now the water is off in fear that someone might hear, before walking from the bathroom to my room and leaving a trail of water behind me.

Quickly putting on clothes and brushing my hair I lay back on my bed, clutching my phone to my chest. I feel it vibrate with notifications, looking at the screen multiple texts from Drew asking if I've told Harry about Tate and how I'm feeling.

I still haven't told Harry mainly because I'm getting in my head about what Tate said.

It's true. You know what he said is true.

I need to distract myself.

I set down my phone without responding then scan my room quickly and land on the brand new journal Harry gave me. I quickly get up from the comfort of my bed and grab it along with my guitar. I flip to the first open page I can find and start writing down exactly what I'm thinking.

I have so many regrets with Tate. I was so naive and vulnerable when we started dating. He ruined my innocence and I don't know if I'll ever be able to move forward from that.

After a while I stare back at my thoughts written out on paper that I need to figure out how to connect to make music.

This is me trying.

I feel like an open wound.

I've been having a hard time adjusting.

You're a flashback.

At least I'm trying.

I get up and grab my phone to record the guitar part to make things easier to write. When I check my phone I have a missed call from Harry as well as from the unanswered texts from Drew.

I decide to call him back against my better judgment, knowing that he has a tendency to break down my walls without even trying. After only a couple rings he answers. "Hey Sunny," He sings softly into the phone. "What have you been up to?"