M.A.G.I.C siblings

Fourteen

"WHY ARENT YOU CRYING?! SHE DIED TWO WEEKS AGO AND STILL YOU DONT CRY! NOT EVEN THAT! YOU BARELY CRIED WHEN DEREK DIED!! DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT HER!? ABOUT ANY OF US!?" Cristina yelled at me while I was picking up stuff around the house.

"Of course I do care" I said picking up the dishes from the table.

"THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ANY EMOTION!??!" She slammed her hands onto the table.

"Because I feel like it was all my fault!" I said accidentally dropping a glass cup into the floor.

"IT IS!" Her face dropped as she realized what she said. I tried to shake it off and continue picking up the glass.

She's probably right anyways.

"..Mer no I'm sorry I didn't mean it please I'm sorry" I shook my head and threw the glass in the trash can.

"No it's fine I get it" I said walking away.

I walked up the stairs while Cristina repeatedly called my name. I didn't want to ignore her but I couldn't face her either.

The boys were asleep when I checked up on them. Cristina was down stairs crying apologizing. I know she didn't mean what she said but I couldn't go calm her down. I went into my room and sat on the floor. Sat looking at all the memories around my room.

The kids and I in a frame on my tv stand. A frame of Derek and I on my bedside table. It hurts looking at these memories knowing I can't make anymore with Izzie. She was six. Six and her life got caught short.

Izzie died and it's my fault. If I just noticed Izzie losing weight. Izzie feeling weak. Izzie telling me how tired she was everyday. Her teachers phone calls letting me know that Izzie is having a hard time paying attention in class. Izzie crying that her feet hurt but I shrugged it off since she was running around all day.

I looked up at my ceiling and then back down when I saw a pile of photo books. The kids each have a photo book with pictures of them throughout the years. I picked up Izzies and i flipping through all the pictures of her. My favorite will always be the one where she was next to me baking her first batch of muffins. That smile on her face.

I felt a tear run down my cheek but I wiped it away. I wanna let it out. I want to crawl in a hole and just- never mind.

Cristina knocked my door and I whispered a "come in" because I didn't want to get off the floor. She walked in at sat next to me. She saw the photo book I had in my hand was looking at them with me.

"Why you don't you cry in front of us?" She asked I looked up at her
"I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because you guys are my little siblings and you don't have anyone else. I'm trying my best to be supportive and not be weak. I want to comfort you guys and be strong."
"And that doesn't matter. You have emotions. You can show us. Derek was there when you were down then it was Jackson but they both left. That mark guy yea he came here once and never came back" Cristina said. I had forgotten about mark.
"Meredith look at me" she said.

"You didn't cause any of this to us. You had no say in what happened. Mom's gone I know you hated her but I also know you loved her. You spent more time with her than we did. Even if it wasn't good times but you had more love for her than we did. Derek was there for you when you couldn't handle mom anymore. Now he's gone too. Derek is dead. He's gone. Izzies dead. I know you can't believe it but they're all gone."  She's right. They're all dead.

"I know they are. They're dead. Gone. No getting them back" I said she nodded
"You still aren't crying, I thought you would start crying, and I don't think you'll cry tonight you've trained yourself to not cry. That's not good Mer. You know that"
"I know"

She told me goodnight and went to bed. It was about 2 in the morning and I decided to finally clean my room. I finished cleaning and I made a note putting it on my bed saying I would be back and that they could call me if they needed anything. I headed to the hospital right after.

"Is Dr. Sloan on call?" I asked the lady at the front.
"Yes do you want me to page him?" She asked and I nodded.

I sat in the waiting room till Mark got there. After about 5 minutes mark came out and saw me. He made a gesture with his hand to let me know to follow him and I did.

We went into an on call room.
"Spill" he simply said sitting at the bottom bed of the bunk bed.

"My mom is dead. My best friend died a few weeks after her. My dad walked out again. And now my sister Izzie died. Stupid leukemia. It was caught to far late. I'm tired Mark. I don't wanna be here anymore. I want to let it all out but I can't I physically can not bring myself to do it." I told him everything.

"Oh Meredith I'm sorry about your loss, you are too young to be dealing with all this stress and losses. Meredith you know you are going to be hurting more if you keep everything in" He said rubbing a hand on my back.

"They're dead Mark. George doesn't want to do anything because it reminds him of Iz. Alex comes into my room crying his eyes out because he's so heartbroken. Cristina told me she didn't want to live anymore and wanted to go to therapy. She's doing good in there but she comes to me when she needs to let everything out." I said looking down fidgeting with my hands.

"But you don't have anyone to be there for you?" I nodded indicating he was right.

He gave me a hug and didn't let go.

"Mark.."
"Yes Mer?"
"The house... it doesn't feel like home anymore. It's quiet and cold. I can't breathe when I'm in there. My body aches being there." I started tearing up
"I wish I could take you away from the pain Mer but I can't" he said still hugging me.

"You know it's very late right?" He said. I nodded.
"I know it's probably weird but do you wanna lay down?" I nodded again.

We laid down and he still had his arms around me.
And for the first time in a long time I felt like I finally had someone to be there for me. I felt like crying I felt like a hole of freshness was opened and it's allowing me to breathe.

"Let it out Mer it's okay"
"It's my fault mark... Iz is dead because of me. I didn't see the signs. I'm fucking studying to be a surgeon and I didn't see the obvious signs of her symptoms." I cried softly. He sat us up and let my head rest on his shoulder.

"Mer you know this isn't your fault. You couldn't have prevented it. It was caught too late." He said softly rubbing circles on my back as i let the tears fall onto his shoulder.

"Mark everyone I loved seems to be dying. I can't lose another one of them I can't." I said softly as I stopped the tears from progressing farther.

"Don't think like that. Meredith you love those kids with all your heart probably more than you love yourself. I know you have protected those kids with all your life. Those kids are in great hands." He said reassuring.

"Yea I guess they are. Mark, it's really late know and I need to go home before the kids get up."

"Yea of course here's my number. Call or text me any time of the day if you need anything okay?" He handed me a piece of paper with his number.

"Thank you mark" I smiled and gave him a hug, walked to my car and drove home.

Word Count : 1400