Blindsided

Part 28

Melanie

There's only a few weeks now until we graduate, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shitting myself, just a little. It feels weird really. After graduation, I never have to get up for school, ever again. As much as I can't wait to get out of here, I know it will feel so overwhelmingly difficult, having to use the skills I've learnt to do an actual job instead of just bludging my way through the day. 

Whether I like it or not, and no matter how cliché I'm sounding, I am growing up. I'm going to have to move into my own place, create my own life. For the first time, I think I'll finally feel like an adult. Like I have responsibilities outside of just showing up for a swim meet, or something petty like that. I'd have to start paying my own bills, and begin thinking about paying off my college debt. I could get a dog, get a car, and finally be as independent as I've always dreamt of being. 

Although, as endless as the opportunities are, I fear that my constant striving for independence may end catastrophically. May end in loneliness, too critical of a condition to ever be recovered. Because through the years, I've discovered my great talent, of avoiding people, ultimately pushing them away until I have no one, and I'm alone. Every time I so much as think of the years end, I'm practically crippled with underlying, below the surface level terror, knowing that after I leave, person-to-person contact will no longer be mandatory. I'll wake up alone in my own room, probably eat by myself, and do all my daily activities alone. Apart from meeting up with my current group of friends, my social calendar isn't looking too flash. The only family I want to see are on the other side of the country, so seeing them as often as I'd ordinarily like is simply not viable right now.

And then there's him.

We've had four long years of knowing each other, but of course it would take us until now to become something... more than rivals. My muddled brain has absolutely no clues as to what we are, but it's just beginning to sort through the emotions I feel towards him. Which, is not helping my 'let's do it alone!' fantasies in any way, shape or form, instead prompting an influx of feelings that seem scarier than actually having to grow up. Because, I guess, in a way this is growing up. I've never felt these strong of a feelings towards a guy in my near 22 years of existence, so it's only now that I'm having to skim through the universal 'middle school crush meltdown' handbook. From all that I've heard, telling someone how you feel, straight up, is the worst possible thing you could do, if you're not 100% confident in your actions. Which I am most certainly not. I reiterate, I am new at this whole mess. So, that only leaves me with 2 options. 

a) forget about everything, and completely block out how I'm feeling. From my sources (i.e Lera and Natalie) this will not work, and will probably leave me heartbroken and crying. 

Or, I could opt for my second option, which, excluding my friends earlier comments, seems scarier to me.

b) show but don't tell. Show him how I feel, but never once tell him. Let him wonder for a while. 

Why does that scare me? Because the show not tell method provides the innuendo that I will need to flirt. Which I cannot do. Well, not to someone I actually like. 

My helpfully unhelpful friends delivered this speech to me the other week, after I got back from swimming. They berated me the whole way home, squeezing me for every detail of the weekend once I got back to my dorm. I'm embarrassed to say that when I reluctantly told them every last detail of the trip (by their force, not my own), I felt the hot blush the was creeping up my face all too quickly.

It's now a Friday afternoon, a whole week from the... incident, and I'm just about to head out to the swim centre. Although there's still 2 weeks until our last swim meet, it's a tradition for Coach to hold a celebratory dinner at the end of March, to thank both the team and graduating captains. It's always been a big deal, and I've always looked forward to these nights.