Hold On

Chapter 49

It was peaceful, quiet. These past few years have been a blur, the day ends just for it to start again...it was an endless loop but today. This day was the only day that mattered, it brought clarity and comfort. 

Alek walked through the flowery field, enjoying every step as he breathed in the fresh air, it seemed different. It felt fresh as they entered his lungs, giving him a cool and light feeling, compared to his stuffy days, this was freeing. He kept his gaze down, making sure not to step on any flowers or grass. There were many different dirt pathways that could lead him deeper into the field without stepping on any plant but the pathway he was heading towards was the only one that had stepping stones. 

They were small butterflies, each of them carved with precise detail, it was something he was in charge of when putting this park together and he made sure it was perfect. The first time his feet walked down this path, it was the most painful thing he had experienced, it felt as if he was dying every time he stepped. Over time, even if it didn't become easier, it did become bearable, he was no longer dreading this day. Instead, he waited for this day to come because it was the only reason for him to keep on going, it was something he was dependent on.

When he finally reached the top of the hill, he made sure to make a quick stop by a tree, it was the only plant that he cherished. His hand gently patted the trunk, the second his skin touched the rough bark it was as if the tree had passed on the memory that it carried. He still remembered it like it was yesterday, the weight on his back as he walked up the hill, her laughs as he struggled to walk. 

He lowered his hand from the tree and continued his journey when he finally arrived, he sat down on the area that was specifically made for them to sit comfortably. He sighed before placing his flowers down, "Hi love", he caressed the stone. 

A heartache began to form as he caressed each letter of her name, a chuckle suddenly escaped his lips," you know every time I come here I always remember our first date", he sat there in silence for a couple of seconds. 

"Do you remember how I almost fell when I carried you up the hill?" he laughed to himself, shaking his head at the memory, "I hope you're proud of what I did to our park". He bit down on his bottom lip as his eyes traveled back to the tree, it was where they shared their first kiss, once that thought entered his mind he unconsciously caressed the bottom lip with his fingertip. 

His frown quickly turned into a smile as he turned back to the gravestone," I miss you..."

Not a day went back that he didn't remember that night, he could still feel her in his arms, sitting on the cold floor of the hospital. She was breathing fine, a smile on her face when Alek told her that everyone was going to be fine. That everyone would get to go home that night but in the end, it was a lie. He was weak, and he couldn't protect her, he failed as her companion and as her lover. 

There was a tightness in his chest as he tried to remember the warmth of her skin on his, he tried to move on, many bodies occupied his bed but none of them felt like home. Every time his needs were met, there was always a hollow feeling in his chest because no one could replace Ali. He looked for pieces of her in other people but It didn't matter if they resembled her to the point that it could be her clone, it wasn't the same, and it never would be. Alek made sure to keep everything she last touched in a safe place, even the bed they both slept in was kept in his old room and he made sure to seal the door with only a lock that he had access to. Everyone had some kind of memory of her, a token she gave them before leaving but all he had was his memories. 

Even though he felt a little hurt, it was alright because he made sure to come to visit her every day at the same time. It was the only highlight of his day, the first time he just stared at the stone in front of him, angry that it held down the love of his life but over time he was able to let go of that anger. His son sometimes worried for his father due to how strict he was with his schedule and making sure he was sitting in front of the headstone at the exact time but it was therapeutic for Alek. That is how he grieved, even if he wouldn't say anything, it was enough for him to finally grasp the idea that Ali was no longer here. She would no longer walk the same earth as him, he would no longer feel her warmth, feel her lips on his. The love that she expressed came to a stop, and now he would have to love for the both of them.