Hold On

Chapter 50: Epilogue

It was an unfamiliar path, this environment was unknown to Beatrice as she continued walking on the stone butterflies. Although she felt uncomfortable, her eyes still took in the scenery, the fields were similar to the ones they used to visit. Almost as if they clicked copy and paste, everything was in its place, even the bugs were all in their assigned spaces. There was a tight feeling on her chest as she imagined a five-year-old version of herself running into her arms, the whole world filled with their laughter. it's almost as if she was present during that time, when everything was simple.

Her...

Beatrice had not been able to say her name these past few years, she believed it was something that she no longer had the privilege to do. Not after what she's done to get to this point, even being here seems to be something she is not allowed to do but it's time. There was no more excuses she could use to avoid stepping foot into this place, there were no longer any obstacles that she could hide behind. Everything was done, and she was left bare, which meant that her time has come.

She continued walking through the path, but came to an abrupt stop as the headstone came into view, she swallowed as her throat became suddenly dry. There was a feeling as she continued making her way towards it as if it was time for her to be judged. Beatrice stood far so that there was a good distance between them, but something in her kept pulling towards the grave so she complied. finally, she was before the one person that truly loved her in this life, her protector, her sister, her...

"Hi, mama", her fingers caressed her lips as those words escaped, it was something that hadn't been said in so long.

"ma~ma", Beatrice tested the word out, she tilted her head to the side, confused as to why it felt so foreign but also feels so right. She sat down, with her legs crossed, still confused as to why she felt odd but not in a bad way.

"I know I-", she closed her eyes, slowly taking in deep breaths, afraid that she won't be able to say what's been eating her up inside all these years. "I know I let you down, if you were here then you would have been so disappointed in me but-", her lip began to tremble. "but I did what I had to do in order to grieve", her head slowly began to rest on her hands, for so long Beatrice had felt numb but now all she feels is pain.

"I-I", she stuttered, letting out audible breaths as she gasped for air, it was difficult to keep in the tears but for once, she wanted to feel. "I killed them all", a sob escaped her lips, "Everyone affiliated with him, I killed them. How was it fair for them to live on and have families while mine was ripped away". she used the back of her hands to wipe away her tears, and at that moment, seventeen-year-old Beatrice was gone. Instead, a nine-year-old bee appeared as she cried to her mother for comfort.

"I know you are ashamed that you worked so hard to keep me pure and I went ahead and painted my hands with blood, you raised me to be good and I killed people. I took away someone's family, I left innocent kids as orphans but... what else was I supposed to do!" she began crawling towards the stone, wrapping her arms around it and letting go of all the tears. Beatrice's head began to feel dizzy, so she used the stone to support her body as she continued, "I pushed everyone away, I blamed my dad, I hurt my brothers, and I killed you", her face expressed a pained expression, her eyebrows pulled together as if she was trying to relieve the pain. "I didn't mean to, mama".

"I know that you're watching me, checking in to see if I was happy without you. you always said I would be, you said a lot of things to make me love you or make me hate you when you needed me to. I lost who I was trying to get you back..." her voice cracked as every emotion tried to escape, once she brought down her walls, everything came rushing out and it was too much for her to bear.

"Moving on doesn't mean I've forgotten, it doesn't erase all the memories we shared, it just hurts less when I remember. I don't want to be in pain anymore, I don't want to shut myself down to keep on surviving. I'm not happier without you, and ironically that pleases me". Her hands shook as she readjusted herself to get a tighter grip on the stone. The rough texture began to sink into her smooth skin, slicing it slightly with every movement.