yellow

incomplete kisses

I think it's funny you leave me here stranded after crying about my absence. I think it's funny you get me to open up about my past and learn every single little thing you possibly can to use against me.

Did it make you content while you kissed her? Stroking her walls, the same way you did mine? Did you feel pride, knowing what you had done, but still managed to have me wrapped around your finger?

Did you feel joy?

Did you think it wasn't going to have any affect? Did you think I was going to let it go? So easily? When you never let me hear the end of what a crime it was have guy friends.

I was so fucking foolish to think you weren't lying to me. I was foolish to think you never did what they said you did. I felt sick to my fucking stomach, and you wanted me to let it go? Even when I took you back, multiple times because of how foolishly in love I was. Because I was so far up my ass about someone actually wanting me and loving me. For once, there was someone who was prioritizing me.

But not even then. Not even when we went to the zoo for one hour because you wanted to hurry back and smoke with them. I had every fucking right to be upset at you, I had every right to let everything out. But you're so fucking manipulative, you just fucking take, take and take.

But God forbid someone hurt you the same way, because then, it's "over". Then, it's never going back. Then, it's leaving them stranded while they thought you were working on getting better or working on another chance.

Another fucking chance. Chance after chance after chance. after all this begging and pleading you did to stay with you, that you'd be so lost without me.

You're a fucking cheat, and a liar, and I'm so fucking upset you deceived me the way you did and I'm so mad it took me so long to realize. I'm so mad it took this long to realize you were no good for me. I wish I had the fucking balls to leave you sooner, so you couldn't cause all this damage.

but it's too fucking late and now I deal with the repercussions.

it's hilarious, knowing you're in someone else's pants, laughing it off with someone new, while I sit and suffer every time someone new tries to talk to me because they aren't you, because I'm afraid they'll do me like you did.

what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. I keep thinking I've healed. I keep thinking I've made progress but it's like a fucking broken record. I cry about the things you did because I have no idea how you were so confident in doing them.

I'm so tired, I want to forget you. I never want to see you, hear your name, see mentions of you. I want to be able to look at your name and never wonder what you're doing. I want to be able to see your face and not recognize it.

I want to forget every feeling and emotion I ever felt towards you. i want sanity.