yellow

lost

I stare at my name confused. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel special. It feels like a word someone came up with using a random generator. I think to myself, am I even worth anything? I wonder if this is just an effect of pms, but the month of December isn't over yet. I think I hate December. It's filled with nostalgia and regret.

January is worse. It brings this false hope of new beginnings and motivation that will leave towards the last week of the month, or maybe even before then. Maybe all hope is gone as soon as we enter the second week of January.

I wonder: Am I worth something? Am I special? What if I amount to nothing in life?

I'm scared of the future. What if I never have kids to comfort, or tell the stories of my youth. What if my parents consider me a failure? All I think of are what ifs, and it's enough to not get me out of bed. My bed is comfortable. My bed is safe. But as I lay in my bed, warm while wrapped in my blanket, I scroll through my phone and begin thinking after absorbing all the media I come across. What if I never write anything great? Ever? What if I think I'm good at something but in actuality I'm complete shit at it? What if I'm not as creative as I wish to be? What if I end up working some 9-5 like my mother just to get by.

I'm scared. I hate growing up. I never want to reach 21. I really love music though, and don't get me wrong, I love myself. I think I am amazing some days, but I feel like I can be better. I know I can be better. I frustrate myself because instead of being better I just decide to wallow in self pity like it's going to magically do something. I don't want to depend on anyone, but I feel so sad and I wish I can timeskip to when I have it all figured out and I'm a stay at home mother with my own businesses that I can work on at home. I don't know what to do... What if I'm meant for nothing in this life? No.. that can't be. I've set so many goals for myself, I can't just amount to nothing.

Please, please, I need another breakthrough. I can't keep this nostalgic feeling and wishing and wanting and feeling numb and unhealthy. I can't keep going on like this.

My teeth hurt, I wish I had new teeth. My back hurts, I wish I had a perfect spine. My head hurts, I want to stop thinking. I don't know what's wrong with me or if anything is even wrong with me in the first place. I feel like such a mess. I wish I had friends and someone to talk to, someone to care about but for some reason I can never bring myself to care about what someone wants to tell me. I wish my sister was nicer, I wish I was nicer to my brother. I wish I cared about my dog more... I wish my parents cared about us more, I wish we didn't have to struggle. I know I shouldn't say I wish and that I should manifest and I truly do believe deep down I'm going to be okay but I don't feel okay right now. I don't know, I don't know and I don't like not knowing.

What's wrong with me?