yellow

Unfair

      dear j, 

Here we are once again. I want to start off by saying I hate you indefinitely. I hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate you and I hate the fact that I don't really hate you. I can't and it pisses me off. All I ever wanted from you was your love and affection from day one I wanted your eyes on me, wanting me and being unafraid of showing me how much you wanted me. Every day that passes, I feel like I wasn't worth your effort. I wasn't worth your devotion and the only thing I was good for was an hour of satisfaction. Why couldn't I be enough for you? 

I find myself searching for you whenever we're apart because I wish you would come to your senses and realize how great I am for you, and how much of a fool I am when it comes you. To confess that I'm all you want and apologize for every moment we thought otherwise. I know I'm not perfect, but I wish you helped me through the imperfections instead of giving up on me 2 months in. But I guess that's too much to ask of you. Silly me, honestly. 

I try to tell myself you will never change; you will never be who I end up with and that reality hurts. It's bullshit that you live your day to day with not a single second to spare me. Why on earth can I never let you go? I think I've learned my lesson, but it just comes back to show me how I will never be enough for you. I cry on the phone screaming for you to notice me. How is that not enough for you? The idea of seeing tears run down your face shattered my world but you sit in your room with no remorse when you hear my cries wishing you'd give me more attention. Why did I ever have to fight for a place in your life? Why did I ever have to prove myself to you? It's so unfair and you're so mean! Why are you so mean to me? For five years, I never learned how to let you be. Maybe it's because the little girl inside me doesn't envision a life without you, so when you come back after I've finished dusting myself off from the last time you left me down here alone, she gets excited thinking: "This time will be different! It has to be! He learned this time, hasn't he?" Silly girl. She doesn't know that she's the easiest option because trying with others who have self-respect is just too much for you isn't it? 

Why do you ignore me? Why didn't I ignore you when I had the chance? Why do I let myself get wrapped up in this idea of happily ever after with you every single time you come back? I miss when I had first met you during my third period while I was crying and you consoled me, trying to make me laugh so you'd see me smile. I miss the guy I used to stay after school for and walked around the school building waiting for my ride to show up. I miss the guy who sat next to me in class just to talk to me and make me laugh. But even then, I should've known you were never really mine. I was just yours. I still am and it's embarrassing. Why are you never mine? It's such a sick and twisted game you play, I don't want to be a part of it anymore. It's not fair. 

I hate when I close my eyes and see that look in your eyes haunting me. You looked so in love, like I hung the stars and the moon for you, so why couldn't you act like I did? Was everyone else just too tempting or was I too boring? Was I too angry for you? Did I remind you of your mother, is that it? 

You're so annoying with every little thing you do, I wish I could strangle you, honestly. You let me lay my head on your chest, when you want of course, and whisper sweet nothings in my ear along with "You're so beautiful, I love you." only to ignore me the next day from morning to night, like the moment we had previously was nothing of importance to you and I hate you for it. Is this what you do with the others? Or am I just the unlucky one in all of this?

You're so evil. All I wanted was to be loved by you. I used to think you saved me when I first met you, I cried over how much I loved you. But now, all I can seem to think is what a curse you were. It's so unfair.