Computer Fighters 2000 But The AI Is Self-Aware

50-Foot Swiss Army Rope

"What's bothering you, Kevin?" Neil asked as they trudged across a metal platform towards who-knew-where.
"Oh, I don't know...." He cast a glance at the weathered face that perpetually leered in his periphery. "Maybe the apparently invincible pilgrim that keeps following me."
"Ohh, right, that thing..." Neil nodded exaggeratedly, then faked a cough and leaned over to mutter to Ryan: "Poor guy." Ryan murmured his agreement.
"You think this is funny, don't you?" Kevin addressed his silent tormentor. After speaking in what was unmistakably Spencer's voice a few hours earlier, the pilgrim hadn't said a word since. And shooting it didn't do a damn thing other than prompt his teammates to heckle him for wasting ammo. Oh, but it wasn't a constant presence either, because that would be making it too easy--no, it vanished every few minutes, then reappeared just as he'd begun to think he'd seen the last of it.
"Hey, check it out!" Ryan's excited voice pulled him back to attention. The AI gestured theatrically to a cluster of barnacles hanging from the ceiling over an empty elevator shaft. "I found some more ropes!"
"Alright, good find," said Daxter. "We can use these to get across pits."
"Guys," Kevin cut in, already exhausted. "Those things are not ropes. Don't you remember last time--?"
But the scientists were already grabbing--and subsequently getting grabbed by--the barnacles. Luckily Neil was quick on the draw that day; he took out the barnacles before they could do any damage. Unluckily, when the "ropes" snapped, Ryan and Daxter went plummeting straight down the elevator shaft.
"...They'll probably be fine, right?" Kevin asked; the question was directed at himself as much as Neil. "You guys all seem like you're pretty hard to kill."
Sure enough, Ryan had already respawned when he turned around and was brushing himself off with the air of a cat trying to act like it had meant to fall on its face. Daxter flickered back into existence beside him with an automatic greeting of "Hey there, Kevin!"
Not long after that little detour, they came across a large vat filled with sizzling green ooze. Kevin approached the substance with caution while his companions (who still weren't wearing HEV suits, which would have bothered him more if they weren't so apparently unkillable) rushed over to inspect it up close. Daxter cupped some of the substance in his bare hands and took a sip. He audibly sucked in a breath through his teeth upon swallowing.
"Ooh, I think that stuff is expired. Let's switch to something a little more fresh."
He snapped his fingers, and the section of radioactive substance nearest to him transformed into what looked like mountain dew. Neil and Ryan clapped and cheered.
"Hey, that stuff is probably still contaminated," Kevin warned them as the scientists knelt to fill empty soda cans with the pale green liquid. "I wouldn't drink it if I were you."
"You're telling me!" Ryan held up a can he'd refilled and swished it around with a grin. "I'll bet there's all sorts of bacteria in here. Why, we could get dysentery!"
"Seriously? God, I do not need to deal with you guys contracting food-borne illnesses." Kevin snatched a can of the dubious liquid from Neil's hand just before the scientist could take a sip. "If you want a drink, just wait until we find another vending machine. In the meantime--" He nodded to the remaining mass of radioactive slime, which spanned on for as far as he could see. "We'd better find another way around this mess."
While they walked along a platform above the sea of green ooze, a ripple in the liquid caught his attention. He jumped with a startled shout as what looked like a mutated dolphin leapt out of the pool and chattered, exposing far too many rows of razor-sharp teeth. More of the creatures followed in its wake. Their snapping fangs missed the science team's legs by inches.
Neil nodded to the dolphins and said matter-of-factly: "Those things aren't from the resonance cascade; we were keeping them here already."
"For what?!"
"Don't worry, Kevin. It's all up to code."
Past the vast pool of slime was a glassed-off missile launching room. At least the switches on the control panel outside the room claimed there were missiles stored there, but their view of the weapons was obscured by what looked like a giant tree growing up out of the centre of the room. The team clustered around the observation window to watch as the tree's branches creaked back and forth in what seemed like an invisible wind. Then, just as he began to wonder if this particular mutation was peaceful, the trunk twisted into the shape of a grotesque humanoid face. Kevin screamed and jumped back--but not fast enough to avoid a branch shooting out, breaking through the window and grabbing him by the waist. The gun dropped from his hand as the tree slammed him roughly against the glass.
"Watch out!" Daxter called while making no move to help him.
"Guys--" Kevin twisted around to gaze pleadingly at his companions. "A little help?"
Ryan clasped his hands together, eyes lighting up with delight. "I'm going to fire a missile!"
"Good idea, that oughtta--" He broke off when Ryan clambered through the observation window and pulled the switch from the inside. "What are you doing? If you're in there when the missile fires, you'll--"
The rest of his sentence was drowned out as a nuclear missile roared to life less than a metre away. Ryan laughed maniacally. On the other side of the glass, Neil yelped and ducked for cover. The room shook, as did the branch that had Kevin in its grasp; he squeezed his eyes shut and clamped his hands over his ears. Moments later, a blinding flash of light filled the room and he was thrown backwards, where he hit the opposite wall and slumped to the floor.
Groaning, he raised his head to see the missile launch zone covered in ash and the scattered remnants of the tree monster. A mixture sap and blood stained the observation window.
Neil ran to his side and helped him up. "Are you okay, Kevin?"
"I'll live," he replied. "But I don't think we can say the same for Ryan. God, why would you do that?" he added under his breath.
"I miss him every day," Daxter quipped.
But of course none of the AI could stay down for long. Ryan reappeared back in the hall and swayed on his feet for a second before slumping against the wall. Patches of soot and dried blood matted his hair and streaked across his skin and clothes.
"Well," he panted as he gingerly lifted a strand of hair out of his eyes, "I won't be doing that again."
"You'd better not, man." Kevin knelt down to wipe the blood off Ryan's face with the back of his hand. "You all need to be more careful, seriously. I mean, Neil is probably the smartest one here--"
"Aw, thanks, Kev. It's because I spend so much time reading Wikipedia."
"The free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit?" Daxter chimed in. "Alright, up top!"
Daxter and Neil high-fived enthusiastically. The two AI set off down the hall at an energetic pace; upon catching his breath, Ryan was quick to fall into step behind them. Kevin hung a few feet back, lacking his companions' enthusiasm. They turned a corner and approached another elevator shaft, where the elevator appeared to be stuck a floor above them; barnacles clung to its underside.
"We can use ropes to--" Daxter began, reaching for the nearest dangling tentacle.
Some safeguard in Kevin's brain snapped just then. We are not doing this song and dance again, he decided. A burst of adrenaline carried him down the hall, where he slammed the AI with a football tackle. Daxter let out a startled shout. Kevin realized his mistake a moment too late and began to scream as the momentum sent them both careening into the elevator shaft. But they stopped falling with a jolt before they even started.
"Woah! Bad move there, Kevin," Daxter chided him. "Good thing I grabbed the rope in time!"
Indeed, Daxter had the barnacle's tentacle wrapped around his wrist and was using it to dangle in place, while he had Kevin hooked under his other arm the way a farmer might carry an uncooperative sheep. Without missing a beat, the AI pushed off against the wall and swung back into the hallway. They landed safely to an awed reception from their companions.
"Boy, that looks like fun," Ryan said. "Can I try?"
"You bet!" Daxter grabbed two of the barnacles and yanked them off the wall; he attached one to his own hand and gave the other to Ryan. "Use these to help with pits!"
Neil laid a hand on Kevin's shoulder, his eyes wide with concern. "Hey, what was that about? I thought you didn't want us falling into pits."
"I don't! I just--" Kevin ground the heel of his palm against his forehead with a grumble as he struggled to find the right words. He felt like an idiot for doing that--moreso for having to be rescued by Daxter--but truth be told, he probably would've done it again if he thought it could keep the team safer. "...I just get scared sometimes. I mean, yeah, you guys are unkillable for now, but what if you run out of lives or something? I mean, when Spencer got killed he didn't..."
The rattle of the elevator descending diverted his attention. Kevin's speech died on his tongue as a pair of weed-patterned skate shoes lowered into view, followed by a security guard uniform and then an all-too-familiar face.
"'Sup, bros?" Spencer greeted them. "I heard through the clothesline you were having trouble with some gnarly green slime. But like, who even does green slime anymore? Green is like the lamest colour."
"No it's not," Kevin replied defensively, immediately thinking of ectoplasm. Then, when his mind caught up with the more important issue at hand: "Where have you been? We all thought you were dead."
"These cool guys in camo uniforms told me where you were," he went on without answering the question. "I guess I might have, like, missed hanging out with you bros... or whatever."
Ryan smiled softly and laid a hand on Spencer's arm. "Hey, we missed you too, man."
"I didn't," Neil muttered under his breath, crossing his arms. Kevin made a face and mumbled his agreement.
"Yeah, well, I was only saying that ironically," Spencer replied just a little too quickly. He hunched his shoulders and turned his back on the science team, instead facing down the hall the way they'd come. "Anyway, I found the exit and it's back this way. You amigos are totally just getting yourselves more lost."
"Well, alright then," Kevin challenged, putting a hand on his hip and leaning in to glare at the security guard. "If you know your way around this place so well, why not just lead us out of it?"
"I think he's saying that he will," said Ryan.
Spencer nodded to his fellow AI with a less-smarmy-than-usual smile. "Yeah, totally. Just follow me."
He led them back the way they came, past the demolished missile launch room and down a long ladder to where the floor gave way to the seemingly endless stretch of glowing green fluid--although, on second viewing, Kevin thought he could see where the walkable floor started again on the other side if he squinted.
"So, how do we get across?" Neil wondered aloud.
"Isn't it obvious?" Ryan raised his hand to show off the barnacle he'd fitted over it like a glove. "We can use ropes to help with pits!"