impossible | 𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙗𝙤𝙤

thirty-nine<3

tw: vomit, panic attack, self harm

as soon as i woke up a burning sensation was turning my stomach in knots.

i cupped a hand over my mouth and ran into the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the bowl.

as if it isn't the consequences of my own actions.

i gagged and gagged, my body rejecting the alcohol from last night.

after i'd finished throwing up, i was already gasping for air, not only from panic but also from being out of breath.

tw

i clenched my fists so tightly that my nails broke the skin on my palms, and i breathed and breathed, and gasped, and kept on pushing my nails deeper and deeper into my palms.

i finally stopped clenching my fists, and with clouded vision i looked down at my bloody hands. held them up in front of my face. they burnt and stung with a different kind of pain.

i groaned and tried to wipe my hands on my shirt. but they just kept bleeding.

i gagged again, not even throwing up. my body was just trying to get rid of whatever made it feel this way.

an acidic taste lingered in my mouth, i coughed and hurled in an attempt to get rid of it.

i stood up, my hands dripping blood on the floor. i fumbled and opened the cabinet, grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste, hurrying to wash away the taste.

i brushed my teeth, blood seeping onto the handle of the toothbrush.

not good. not good. not good.

get ranboo. i need to find ranboo.

i looked at the floor, blinking over and over to get a clear sight of what i was looking at. i see a bloody handprint.

and for a second i want to laugh because it genuinely looks like one of those halloween decorations.

(a/n btw this seems like a lot of blood for just fingernails digging into her skin but basically she has like fairly long nails and she like - idk but like it was pretty bad so i'm so sorry this is very sad to write)

i threw my toothbrush into the sink and ran the water on it, before walking out of the on suite.

ranboo was stood in the doorway.

"oh my- oh my god." he walked over to me and gently grabbed my wrists, so he could look at my hands. "oh. my god."

he dropped them to my sides and peered into the mess in the bathroom. "oh my god." he repeated.

i just sobbed. i stood there, my vision blurred from all the tears, and i cried as he panicked in front of me. he didn't know what to do.

he put his hand on my face for a moment, and brushed away my tears. "it's okay."

his face was straight. he knew it was not okay.

he walked into the bathroom and opened all the cupboards, i assume, looking for some bandages or first aid kit. or something.

jesus fuck. i really shouldn't drink ever again.

i probably still will, though.

timeskip

ranboo was knelt down beside me, wiping my hands with an antiseptic wipe.

i winced and jerked my hand away from the pain.

"sorry." i sighed, putting my hand back.

"how'd you do it?" he asked.

"i did it myself." i looked down. "with my fingernails."

he didn't say anything. he just gently brushed his thumb against the back of my hand.

"i didn't mean to do it that much. i was just panicking- i don't know." i tapped my foot on the floor nervously.

"you shouldn't hurt yourself, at all."

"i know- i know." i looked down at my hands, still bleeding slightly. "i'm sorry."

"no- don't- i didn't mean it like that. don't apologise." he switched hands, so now he was wiping my other one. "i just don't like seeing you hurt."

i smiled at him gently. trying to ignore the pain in my hands.

(a/n nurse ranboo 🤝 us )

"i was only trying to make myself feel something else other than panic. pain was a stupid- stupid thing to choose. but it happened." i breathed, a single year falling down my face.

"i understand." he turned for a second to grab the bandages, and then he began wrapping it around the palm of my hand.

(a/n like he was not wrapping her fingers together lmao but the space just above your thumb, yk)

he finished wrapping both hands and then he smiled, barely.

i could see he was upset. i don't really know whether he's upset at me or just upset that i did it.

"come here." he sighed, standing up and opening his arms out.

i got up and let him put his arms around me, and i did the same to him.

"i'm not mad at you or anything, okay? i just really don't like seeing you like this. you shouldn't have to hurt yourself, athena." he whispered softly , his breath fanning across my neck.

i shivered at the feeling.

"i promise you i didn't mean to do it like ... that deep." i inhaled deeply. "i just wanted to feel something else."

"i know. i know. you don't have to explain yourself to me." his voice was soft, quiet. he spoke right next to my ear.

"i promise i won't do it again."

940 words

very very sad and short chapter i'm so so so so so sorry guys this hurt to write.

remember if you're struggling with self harm , you can always reach out.my dms are always open for you all.

take care, i love you all<3