Everything I Didn't Say [c.h.]

three

08.26.13

I don't know why I'm back here. I can't smoke and Sue's only in two of my classes: the first class and the class after lunch. I've already heard a bunch of shît about me, not like I cared. But it was just annoying.

My friend, Adam, who owns the gym I work out at, knows about Sue. And you know what he said?

He told me I should write to Sue. How weird is that? That's like a bunch of girly things that girls do...right? What am I supposed to write anyways if I WERE to write to her? Write "Hey Sue"?

There was nothing after that. He didn't sign it and the rest of the page was blank so I turned it over to check if there was anything on the other side. There was.

Hey Sue,

Fück, this is weird. You're never going to see this anyways. No one is. Um. So you found me at the back of the school earlier today. It was scary, if I was being honest. I've never really talked to a girl more than once. Wow, that sounded really lame. What I meant was that I don't let them stick around. And then you came. And I don't know how I could let you talk to me for the rest of lunch.

I think I'm attracted to you.

He thinks? I thought to myself, smiling a bit.

I mean, I guess I'm attracted to you. I don't know how else to explain myself getting close to you. I even told you about fücking Ashley. (Good riddance). And then I fücking pouted. POUTED. I'm not sure what got over me. I'm not sure about a lot of fücking things with you.

And then I tried to be slick and say I was serious about you. And I winked. WINKED. I'm so fücking pathetic. I could tell that you're not comfortable with me swearing. Should I try to swear less? Why am I asking questions that you obviously won't answer?

You can swear as much as you want and I'm answering them now, I answered him mentally. I couldn't believe this was almost two years ago. He was 18 at the time, and I was 17. Wow.

Anyways.

I kissed you again.

You kissed me back again.

Does this mean you're attracted to me too?

I don't even think it matters because I screwed everything up. I mean, it's what I do best.

What was I supposed to think when you pulled your hand away from mine? If I knew that you were pretty much protecting me, I would've kissed you again for the third time since I met you. You're really stupid-

Well okay then, I huffed.

-if you think that I would care what people think of you being with someone like me. If it were up to me, I'd make you ditch every single day just to hang out with me. But you're a goodie two shoes. So. Whatever. I'll keep going to school for you.

I really am sorry for making you cry. That was the worst thing in the world. Seeing you cry even made me forget about the cigarette that I was holding, did you know that? It's insane to think that I didn't end up smoking just because I was too worried about you and making you cry.

Don't ever let Michael call you sweetheart again, either.

I scoffed. He had no right to tell me that even though I felt uncomfortable with Michael calling me that at the time.

And I know you'd probably scold me or something for telling you what people can and can't call you. But please. He's such a prick sometimes. I don't want Michael calling you sweetheart. You're MY sweetheart. You don't know that yet. But you are.