The Girl Who Broke

Chapter 3: 8th grade

Chapter 3

My bestest friend and I got in a big fight, this is our convo..

Dear Caitlyn,

I know that I've been really mean lately so I expect u to hate me. You have had every right to hate me. I guess that is why you stopped talking to me and would give me dirty looks. I really don't know exactly why you are mad, I just said that because I wanted to let you know that I know you are mad. I didn't mean to make it worse, I wanted you to say that you don't hate me, but I guess now you do.

If you were to realize the hell I've been going through, you might realize why I say what I do. I know you are going through a rough time too, with your family and all. Me making those comments is like screaming for help. I don't like cutting, it's unattractive and it hurts but it's an addiction. I know you don't realize why and I guess we both wont ever know that. I feel so insulted when people talk about my eyelashes. It's such a personal topic and like only a few people know. I really wish I never plucked them all out, I HATE IT! People make comments and make fun of me because of it.

I don't want to make you mad but I guess it's the truth that yeah, I do cut because of things you say. Yeah, I don't like to eat because of the fact you called me a fatty even though you've said it was just a joke. I don't blame my eating disorder on you at all, i blame it on names i have been called. I mean, honestly, I try my hardest to be nice to you even when you make a comment about my weight or how I shouldn't have plucked out my eyelashes. I mean, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital last night because of how deep my cuts were but they eventually stopped bleeding so I guess I'm okay. I hope this note doesn't make you even madder then before because I don't mean to be rude. I really am trying, it's just so hard.

-Abbie

Dear Abbie,

i am mad now. you neeed to stop living in the past and only caring about yourself. cant you see what this is doing to other people too? i mean come on it is not all about Abbie. that addiction can be broken. and its not that hard you go to counseling for it. you are acting like this is a joke and its not!! this is friggin annoying. dont talk to me until you can stop being a whiny brat and get your shit together if you acctually want to stop! THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO DO FOR ATTENTION!!!!!

-Caitlyn

~

We worked it out I guess after a week. I "stopped cutting" after that... For a little while.

***

I was put on Lexapro after my dad officially let me but I got up to the maximum dosage and had to change to Prozac. At the end of taking Lexapro i would use inhalants to get me high so i could actually be "happy." With Prozac I have had problems drinking coffee and I will see how that goes if I change to decaf.

I got back together with the guy I dated in 7th Grade. BIG MISTAKE. Turns out he is a pornography whore but I never gave him a damn photo! Even if I had pictures, I wouldn't have given him one. I would have rather just had sex with him!! It turns out he goes to the same place that i do with the same people but his is for something completely different. Weird. I talked to Brandis about him. That relationship lasted 4 days and my parents still don't know why we broke up. He blames breaking up with me on the fact that I won't listen to him about killing/cutting myself. I miss his kisses and hugs and him treating me like I'm a princess. Yeah, I still love him.

I began cutting again and completely stopped eating for 4 days. I was so proud but my friends weren't. I just couldn't eat. I figure what I say to my therapist will just about sum it up so this is what I sent to my therapist in an email:

Hi it's Abbie,

I hope Christmas went well for you! I had a blast! I just wanted to check in with you and let you know what has been going on.

First off, all of my friends are mad at me. I guess they are ignoring me because they, "care." A week or so ago I 'stopped' eating for about 4 days but of course I would eat little amounts when my parents would watch me. I NEVER eat lunch at school anymore. My friends try to force feed me or threaten to tell the school counselors but it never works.

Once my friends all stopped talking to me, I felt good- but bad. "Nobody to try to change your progress" says part of me. "You need them to help talk you out of it and you are basically isolating yourself," says the other part. I was scared. I even started cutting again but only twice. I will admit that it wasn't the same way I used to and it was deeper. I still push people away even though it was the 14th when I started not eating for the 4 days.

The day before I stopped eating, I went to a different school counselor with my friend to talk to her about self harm. When just the counselor and I talked, the counselor said that it was okay if I didn't eat or would cut, so i did. oh yeah and one of my friends lost 20 pounds because she hadn't eaten any solid food for 2 weeks and the top half of her body was cold while the other half hot.

With the eyelash plucking, i have realized how much time i spend on doing that- a ton. i also have been spending a ton of time picking my skin. its super annoying but i just cant stop. i have also been losing a bunch of hair, to the point my mom even notices.

I didn't forget about the two boxes that i would put coping mechanisms in. I did that like a few days after my last visit. I talked to my dad about it too. We talked alone on the ride home from a chiropractor appointment. On the way home from the second appointment I also brought up about cutting but I refused to call it that. I always called it, "hurting myself" and referred to it as if it had been a long time ago, never saying that i still had those feelings. I was proud of, "breaking the ice," on the subject.

I feel myself falling again, falling even deeper than before. I'm starting to question if i will ever be okay again. the reassurances to my friends that i will live have turned more unsure and it scares me.

The only good news is that i have been eating and not cutting- other than those two times. I'm really scared.

Sincerely,

Abbie

PS I really miss Hunter.

~

By cutting in a different way i mean with a blade that I used a screwdriver to get off of a pencil sharpener. (Deep cuts!) I still haven't heard anything back. I'm so scared. I am not planning on eating when winter break ends either.