Love and Ambition

15 - Out of Control

Junior High

I had gone out the night before. 

An incurable hangover pulsated my temples; any loud noise rang my ears like the morning bells of a church. 

Going to school was the last on my list, but I promised myself that I'd get my act together. Bar hopping the night before was like a last hurrah to leaving a depressing past behind—to new beginnings.

Break had arrived and I sat in the corner of the school library to catch some silence after a horrid first hour of music class. Terrible strums of guitar, banging of cymbals, and high squeaks of the recorder still echoed in my ears.

I laid my head on my arm, pretending to read a book. 

"I haven't seen you in these parts," a male voice takes me away from my 'reading'. His British accent more so intrigued me. As I look up, I notice his tall figure, varsity jacket, and his bag hanging on one shoulder. 

Cliche Ken-doll, I thought to myself.

He looked older than me, so I suspected he was a senior. 

"You don't look like you belong here either," I replied, setting my book aside. 

He chuckled, then looked at me for a moment. I shifted at his gaze, somehow drawing me to him. As he set his bag down and pulled out a chair, I got excited. Maybe romance wouldn't be so bad after several months of meaningless sex with strangers. 

"Well, then, hey," he held out a hand, "I'm Sean."

That same charm. Same smile. Same confidence that would sweep any girl off her feet. Yet here I am, unswept, but feeling like I would fall through the ground beneath me. 

I swallow hard. "What are you doing here?"

He chuckles. "You keep asking that," he takes a drag out of his cigarette, staring at me. "What about a friendly 'hello'?"

"Your last text didn't really scream friendly," I cross my arms. I feel small. So. Fucking. Small.

He smiles and then nods. "Anyway," he looks away and then back at me. "I've just got one last business to do."

"What—your new puppy?" I motion over to Rebecca. She's looking at the camera monitor, reviewing the last shot, I presume. 

"Aw, don't be jealous," he extends his arm to touch my face, but I swat his hand away. "She's nothing compared to you."

I gave a crooked smile. "Wow, you're so miserable!" I take a deep breath, managing to step forward. "Move on, Sean." 

Letting that be the end of the conversation, I walk away. I want to leave him embarrassed—his ego crushed to the ground; make him feel as small as I did. But he pulls my arm back, forcing me to look up at him. 

"You know I can't. And I won't let you move on either, until you come back to me."

My heart fills with disgust that weighs my chest down to the pit of my stomach. I spit by his feet, then looking him straight in the eye before pulling myself away.

But it's never the end with Sean. He never accepts defeat. 

A strong hand grasps on my throat and as I look into Sean's eyes, rage was an understatement. It was like I was staring straight into a stranger, awakening a burning pit that hid undisturbed for years.  

The seconds turn to minutes, feeling like it was hours or days of us standing like this. Him staring into my soul through the hatred in his eyes; looking at the victory of petrified. My heart losing its beat as that familiar, incurable hangover pulse my head to burst.

"Sean!" Rebecca's piercing voice snaps Sean out of his trance, setting me down. Someone catches my fall as I try to inhale slowly, only getting greedy to replace the air I lost. 

My head spins, the world blurs and mixes together from the tears in my eyes. 

I lost myself.

And so did he.