Love and Ambition

2 - So It's Not Over?

"You don't mean that," the red in his eyes subsided and I saw the same blue, puppy eyes that he would bring out. A pout formed in his lips as they quivered. From the little light that the bar could give, I saw that his eyes did not glisten as if he was holding back tears. 

"Then you need to stop with this," I cross my arms. He places both hands on my arms, rubbing them. 

He moves closer. "You have to understand why I'm acting this way, right?" 

He's so close that I could smell the cigarette in his breath; in his clothes. I look up at him, his blue eyes staring down at me. If I looked close enough, I could see compassion. 

"You're out drinking with your mates and you don't answer your phone for hours?" He places a finger on my chin. "It's a little suspicious."

I roll my eyes and look at the ground.

"C'mon," he turns me around and puts an arm on my shoulder. "Let's get you back to the university."

My face burns as my heart pounds deep in my chest. 

Do I really want to break up with him?

Do I really love him?

Questions that intrudes my mind time and time again, all ending up with the same answer: I don't know. 

A part of me pulls towards the end of us, and another part dreams of the life we promised each other. Like both decisions tearing me apart as they play tug-of-war.

I grunt as a reply, not wanting to argue with him more. When we lived in the same town, I would hear nothing from him all day. During high school, when I sat home doing my homework or studying for a test or exam—my phone stayed quiet. Nothing. Not a peep. 

One night I called him because I haven't heard from him all day.

"I was busy gaming with my mates," he told me. 

That threw me to wonder what his parents thought of him skipping school just to stay and play at home. Until I heard that his parents were out of town that week for business; bringing him to enjoy the little ounce of freedom. A taste of 'adulthood'.

Next day, he hadn't come to school and, again, did not hear anything from him that night. "I was asleep," he said. "Had my phone on silent. Couldn't be fucked."

Secretly, inside, I wanted to be the girl that inspires him to change. Make him realize that the path that he's walking on won't lead him anywhere.

As the year moved forward, the daunting question of 'life after high school' arrived. The thought of sitting at a desk job from nine to five brought shivers down my spine. It wasn't the career choice for me. 

Until my eyes set upon "Film Production" at the university fair.

I had made my choice and that distressed Sean.

So having graduated and moved towns to study film at a university, he would be the only person buzzing my phone 24/7.

"I was worried," he said.

Whatever.

I pick up my winter jacket that I left in the booth. My eyes dart around for Jennifer after spotting a half-empty drink on the table. It wasn't long until I recognized her long, curly brown hair and drunken giggle. I let my shoulders down, knowing she'll be fine being with the group of girls that invited us out. 

Walking towards a table of girls, she gives me a look as she sees me putting on my jacket. "Leaving already?" She pouts, stumbling as she tried to leave the bar stool. I stop her.

"Yeah," I motioned towards Sean behind me. 

"Oh..." She gave me a wink and a suggestive smile. "Have fun."

I gave a sarcastic laugh. 

I won't.

Sean places a hand on my waist, pulling me towards him and walking to the main door. 

The cold air touches my cheeks and I let my hair down for warmth. As we walk to the direction of the university, our footsteps bounce off the concrete walls; having no other sound due to the desolate streets.  

Sean lights a cigarette.

"Give me one," I place a hand out for him to put one between my index and middle finger.

He laughs. "Give you a cigarette? After you gave me grief for smoking?"

"Because you promised you would quit!" I retort, exhaling sharply. "Just give me one."

He rolls his eyes. "Fine," he places one between my fingers, "but you quit too." 

I put it in my mouth and he lights it for me. "That was when I was fifteen. You know I smoke at parties." As I inhale, the same cathartic feeling enters with the smoke, then a relief as I exhale—like all my worries left with it. 

"Besides," I continue, "I didn't give you an empty promise." 

We were as quiet as the streets. Rustling was seldom as winter had brought down the leaves. The only form of noise between Sean and I were our footsteps in the snow. 

The sight of the university comes to view and I rejoice silently inside. 

As we draw closer to the parking lot that laid between the two main buildings of the university, Sean head towards his car. 

"Good night," he says, fishing for his car keys in his pocket. 

"Night," I walk away from him. I can feel him staring as I walk away to the dorm building. 

"I love you," he calls after me, but I continue walking away.