Love and Ambition

16 - Safe

I hate feeling this way. Where I jump at the slightest touch; a shadow in every corner; his blue eyes that pop out at me in the darkness. 

His words ringing in my ears during the day. Growing louder at night as I lay in bed awake.

"I won't let you move on either, until you come back to me," like a deep echo. Repeating itself so I don't forget. 

Getting back together with him feels like the safer choice. 

Safe.

The thought of Jason's arms overcomes my mind. Being enveloped in his warmth as he would rub my back and kiss my forehead. 

I'd be delusional to think that getting back together with Sean was a good idea. But it would be... Safe.

I watch Jason and Jenn do the confrontational scene. The sun shines over the uni building, creating natural lighting as we film in the shadows of the parking lot.

Jenn glances over at me as I hold the camera and exhales a deep sigh. 

She rakes a hand through her hair. "I can't do this scene, Brooke," she walks over to me and takes a quick look over my shoulder. The reminder that Mr. Monray was watching dreads all over my body. Mr. Monray was doing rounds today to check on each group, helping when necessary.

Ignoring his looming presence, I give Jenn a smile. "But you can, Jenn—!"

Before I could finish my pep-talk, Jenn crosses her brows and frowns. "I really can't, Brooke. Not after yesterday with Sean," her eyelids fall in sadness. "This film feels too real at this point."

I place the camera on my hip, its weight evident. As I look straight into Jenn's eyes, my heart breaks a little. "Channel all your feelings out."

"But—" Jenn stops herself, closing her eyes and taking a breath. "Okay."

She walks back to Jason. They give each other a nod, ready. I look over at Anna, ready with the mic, she gives me a thumbs up.

"Action!" I yell. 

Jason's acting is mediocre. Able to say the lines with emotion, but not enough to make it feel natural. He has a way with his body language that is logical, but—again—not natural. Robotic feeling as if he planned it 1, 2, 3.

Jenn's confrontational speech comes in. Through the camera monitor, I see the anger in her eyes, glassing over with tears. She grinds her teeth, while almost spitting at Jason. She heaves her breaths, pushing Jason's shoulder that sends him backwards and for me to improvise my camera choreography. 

As Jason breathes hard, watching her, his eyes grow wide with pity. We all watch her act. But her movements become so real, I don't think she's acting anymore. Like it's what she's been keeping in. She stutters, stumbling over her words, going away from what was in the script. There's a lump in her throat as she goes on.

"I know you're guilty! You may fool the rest of the world, but I know that when your hands were wrapped around her throat, feeling the control come back to you was more mesmerizing than keeping her alive!" Her tears fall. She wipes her nose. She takes a deep breath. "You're a monster in denial."

She backs away from Jason, the world now falling back into place as she looks him in the eyes and I yell, "Cut!"

We watch back the scene.

Mr. Monray has his arms crossed; quiet as we've all gathered behind him. The scene ends and he nods, turning around to look at us. His bottom lip formed as if to say, 'not bad'.  

"I'll head on over Rebecca's group," he walks away. 

My heart pounds at the feeling of victory. The vision of winning that award becomes clearer. So clear it's like the award is just within my reach. 

That was the last scene before our break. Anna places all the sound equipment in a bag, one right after the other. She checks her watch and gives me a smile before walking away. Being borrowed between Becca and I can't be easy. Especially when I get the feeling that Becca is strict on time. 

"Oh my God!" Jason exclaims, dropping a camera lens on the snow. I go over to pick it up before it damages, but as I see the commotion, it becomes less important. 

We run over to Jenn as she's bent over on the side, puking her guts out. I gather her hair in a pony tail while I rub her back.

Jason shifts between each leg, helpless on what to do. I tell him to grab a glass of warm water with a hint of apple juice. Nodding, he runs over to the kitchen. 

The snow turns to slush as Jenn's vomit sinks and spreads. Jenn retches with nothing more coming out. 

"You did a good job today," I smile at her.

She looks at the ground beneath me, ignoring the stain she made in the snow. "Yeah," she gathers her breaths, "I know."

* * *

The computer screen turns my eyelids heavy. The cold winter night blows light winds outside as tree branches tap against the window. I sit in the film classroom, putting all audio and video files in a folder and naming them. This makes it easier for the editing process. 

Anna is in the other side of the room, doing the same thing for Becca's group. 

A knock on the door catches our attention. As I turn my head to look, a smile forms on my lips. 

"Need a break?" Jason has his winter coat on, hands in its pockets. 

I nod my head as my eyes slowly fall. He chuckles.

Brainless work as it is, re-naming files and sorting them into folders takes a toll on patience. I raise up and put my coat on, then heading out with Jason as we take a walk.

Decided on a direction, we walk away from the town and down towards the scarcer parts of the countryside. Where houses are scattered far from each other, as fields and forests separate them. 

I take in the air. Even when the shadows come in and out of view, having Jason's presence beside me makes me feel... Safe.

Safe. 

The word comes back to me again and again, each time thinking of Jason.

He lights a cigarette and I smile at him.

"What? Want one?" He pulls out a stick, but I shake my head.

"Social smoker, remember?" 

He shrugs. "Suit yourself," he places it inside his jacket pocket, then pulling his hood up. 

As silence fall between us, I watch the elongating road ahead. A figure approaching us. 

My heart stops, but as we draw closer to each other, I notice it's a woman's figure. A breath escapes my lips and Jason notices, pulling closer towards me. 

"Excuse me," the woman stops us, a friendly smile growing on her face. "Do you know where the Sterling University is?"

Jason points behind us. "That building over there."

She smiles again, thanking us as she walks away. 

It's a bit strange how a woman in her forties would be looking for the university. I chalk it up to her looking for a job, visiting a friend...

"Sorry," she calls for us again, interrupting my thoughts, "but you kids wouldn't happen to know Jason Pierce, would you?"