Love and Ambition

18 - Lost

I enter my room, shutting the door behind me. Its cold emptiness setting upon my skin and I remember the tedious task that I left behind. I grumble at the thought of sorting audio and video files; when all I want to do is hide under my sheets and disappear.

Even though our room is dim as it is, I turn off the lights and leave my lamp on; crawling into my bed and under my bed sheets. Weighing down on me like a warm hug. 

In the darkness, my mind turns. Like my thoughts are in a maze and I am navigating through them, getting lost in them, trying to find my way to a conclusion.

Jennifer.

Sean.

Jason.

Rebecca.

Thoughts dawning upon me that I'm unwanted. Not good enough. Talentless. Unloved. 

That my place on Earth has run out and I'm just doing my time on a stale life. That whatever I'm doing amounts to nothing in the long run. That as I'm chasing my dream to become a filmmaker, the road stretches longer and longer so. 

I'm reaching my hand out to an empty presence of no one. Crying on an invisible shoulder. 

I pull my knees closer to my chest, hugging them, as silent cries leave my lips. 

* * *

My blaring alarm rings in my ears. 

As I manage to open my crusted eyes, the light shining in through the window annoys me.

A new day.

I turn to shut off my alarm. My roommate ready and dressed on her side of the room. She gives me a sheepish smile, looks at herself again in the mirror, then leaves; opening the door to welcome bustling footsteps and chatter that bounce around the hallway. As the door closed and I turn to look at the ever growing ceiling above me—they're quiet.

A soundless room except for a deep humming like I'm underwater. 

Jennifer comes to mind. Filming comes to mind. Being within her presence sends my whole body to clench and I hate the feeling.

She's my best friend, but she now feels like a stranger.

I pulled myself out of bed. I pulled myself to breakfast; Jennifer no where in sight. It brought a relief. But stares and whispers towards me brought my anxiety even higher. I looked for the comfort of Jason, but even he was no where in sight.

Then I pulled myself to the film classroom. Setting my eyes on Rebecca, my stomach churns. I want to vomit at the reminder of Sean.

I sit by my table, reviewing the schedule for today. As I feel a presence behind me, I turn around to be greeted by Mr. Monray's eyes.

"Can we talk outside for a second?" His lips stay in a straight line. 

My anxiety grows to a big black blob following me around. I manage to smile and raise up, but turning my eyes to the door, I choke on my spit. The dean stands, looming a heavy presence in the room. 

I pull myself to follow Mr. Monray to the hallway. He closes the door. 

"Ms. Thatcher," The dean, Mr. Beaufort, stares down at me. "Would you care to explain these?"

He hands me a file.

With shaking hands, I take it, my heart racing as I don't know what to expect. Mr. Monray leaves my side and to Mr. Beaufort's.

Upon opening it, the whole world stops at the horror of pictures that reveals itself in front of me. My nude body on sexual display for only Sean's eyes to see. I hold the file tight in my hands as tears well in my eyes.

"These were found in the school's bulletin board."

"I... I don't know what to say," managing to take my eyes off them, I look into Mr. Beaufort's who gives a slow nod.

"Ms. Thatcher, we don't tolerate behaviors like these, so you must understand that a punishment is at hand."

"But I didn't post these!" The lump in my throat cracks in my voice.

"Well, we don't have a culprit. Somebody has to be punished. We cannot let this slide."

"Do you really think that I would post these? Just to ruin my reputation? You think I would really do that?"

"Done it or not, Ms. Thatcher, that is still you in the photo. Good day," just like that, Mr. Beaufort walks away.

My blood boils in my veins.

Sean's face enters my mind, then his head crushed in my palms; blood splattered everywhere. My chest heaves as it becomes harder to breathe. 

"Brooke," Mr. Monray takes my attention. "Don't worry, I'll look into it."

His soft smile gives a little reassurance that things might work out, but I cannot help but feel limp of hopelessness. 

* * *

We all meet on location. My eyes constantly darting for Jennifer, anticipating a cold shoulder. The silent treatment. 

As she arrives, a smile spreads on her face, greeting us. In that instance, a grey cloud is lifted. 

"Jenn, hey," I walk up to her, managing to pull her to the side. "About last night—"

"I still don't want to talk to you. I'm just acting professional," she walks away to Anna.

I watch them talk and laugh like nothing is wrong. Something I thought I would never have to worry about losing.

But I've lost my dignity. My reputation. My optimism.

Now I've even lost my best friend.