DEAR L

Unsent

JENNIE

I got another letter delivered today. I am so excited to read and opened it right away even if I am not yet in my room. 

I was happily reading the first line when a car horn startled me. I immediately put the letter inside my pocket. Jason is here. I hope he didn't see that.

I waited for him. He approached me with angry eyes. 

He just suddenly pushed me to the wall. 

"I saw the postman delivered something. What is it?" He asked strangely. I could smell alcohol from his breath. It's too early to be drunk. 

"Nothing. Just bills." My excuse.

He gripped my neck and I was surprised. I couldn't breathe!

"Don't you ever dare trying to fool me, Jennie. Once I catch you cheating on me or doing something against my rules, I will not only hurt you but also your child." What a dark warning. I didn't like what I heard. 

I pushed my knee and hit his crotch. That's the time he let go of me. 

"What? You're going to hurt us? Hurt me but I will make sure that you won't touch my child. Never." I bravely said while my tears run down my face.

I was about to get inside the house but he pulled my arm.

"What else should I do for you to love me?" He is catching his breath.

"Jason, I can't love you. Never. I am sorry." I honestly told him.

He took his grip away and I rushed inside my baby's room. I carried Livi in my arms and I couldn't stop crying. I miss Lisa so much. 

I didn't notice I have fallen asleep. When I woke up and read the letter. 

At some point, I find it very suspicious.

L.

Why am I sensing something familiar? I think I must ask her where she is from. Or maybe I should ask help. This house is becoming very dark day by day.  I am not only afraid for myself but also for Livi.

Months passed. My baby is getting bigger. Letters for and from L have become my escape from this cruel world I am in that is indeed choking me. 

Jason's becoming really hard towards me. He would even speak unacceptable words to me that hurt my feelings. He's crumpling my head and tearing my heart into pieces. 

There were times that he still forces me to have sex with him. It's against my will. All I do is cry inside my baby's room because I feel so dirty. I talk to my baby. Talk to God and I hope he would whisper my messages to Lisa or to my brother V. 

I want to get out from here. 

This L and I's conversation is becoming deeper in every letter we share. I am getting to know her. Or maybe I already know her? But sometimes it's so hard reading between the lines of her sentences. I don't want her to expect something from me knowing my situation.

Every letter I got from her brings hope. Until it reached a year of us talking through this pen and paper. But I am just thankful that this love I have for Lisa is so strong. 

My love for her always brings me back to my senses. There I realized, I am not ready to fall in love with someone else. My heart and all of me still belong to Lisa, and effortlessly, I am falling in love with her even more. 

But all I have now are memories of us. Memories of the past that are no longer touchable. Those are only just wind around that I couldn't collect anymore. God, I miss her!

After another year, Jason agreed with my desire to put up a pizza restaurant. But he doesn't want a big one for me. He will give me what I want but it has to be just in our house. I followed his order. We had our front yard constructed  just like a bar like rectangular fast food place. Small. No tables and Just one long counter with rotating chairs outside. He really doesn't want me to succeed. 

Livi is growing up. I also need to save money for her. I don't know what's waiting for us there. All I know is, I have to be ready for my child's future. 

Jason also has one rule. We should never accept anything from the postman from now on because he made an arrangement with the companies that our bills must be sent to his email from now on. 

He really insisted because he did not only find out about the letters once. He caught me so many times reading and writing. I said it's just to express what I feel and it's sent to the secretaries of Juliet and not to anyone in particular. Jason may be rich and good in business but he is sometimes dumb.

What's for me now? What should I do? I don't know what future holds.

I didn't want to stop talking to that L. But I also have to think of my safety and my child's. As I have said, Jason is becoming a monster. 

I stopped writing back.  Not only because I am trying Jason not to find out that I am really talking to a person. But as time goes by, I realized  that I am like cheating on Lisa. I don't want that to happen. She is the love of my life. No one else. 

As Livi grows up, I caught Jason so many times yelling at her. Livi is talkative. She is very charming and playful. She is honest like Lisa. She says whatever that is inside her head. Now that she is three years old, all I can see in her is a mix of us but I couldn't deny that she got more from Lisa. Thank God she got her beautiful eyes and lovely voice. Do you think a three year old kid deserves a bad treatment? No.

We enrolled her at an International school so she can learn how to speak English. She is so smart at three so why not bring her to school.

I also secretly bring her to a therapy. Jason gave me a little more freedom that's why I can accompany my child at school sometimes and whenever she has sessions.  But of course, still with Jason's bodyguards. You might be wondering why my child needs mental help at the age of three. 

Livi experiences trauma at a very young age whenever she sees Jason hurting me physically. She cries out loud when that man screams at me. I didn't want her to see and hear those monstrous acts, but we couldn't avoid it as we are all living in one roof.

She even witnessed when Jason slapped me. God, I am so sorry. Lisa, I know you don't like this kind of environment for your child. I am so sorry. 

Again, what can I do? 

Strange nights came.

I always dream of myself being hurt by Jason and my Dad. I get up in the middle of my sleep and just cry. I could not even cry out loud because when Jason hears me, I know he would hurt me more. 

I just think of Lisa whenever I am experiencing this unfortunate happening in my life. I never ran out of plans in my head how to escape from here. I want to save myself especially my daughter from this black realm we're in. 

Why are my parents not looking for me? What happened to my brother? How about Lisa? Why is she not making a way to see me? Why am I not escaping from here yet? When will I unchain myself from this place?

I am on the other side of the world. This is not a film that it's just easy to find for the one you love, start again and live happily ever after. It's not like that. 

This is life.

I pray. I pray harder.