Déjà Vu

--door

MILD NSFW WARNING

As was typical nowadays, it was a quiet night alone in the guest room, and Lukas had no clue where he stood with Matthias. He had been sleeping in there for the past few days, and to his knowledge, Matthias hadn't left his own room at all. He didn't answer when Lukas knocked on the door, but at least accepted food from Maike.

How had he let things go so haywire at the party? He'd had a bad feeling the very moment he stepped into Alfred's backyard, but he pushed on anyway for Matthias' sake and ended up really hurt. His arm was definitely broken, confirmed when they went to the hospital and he came home with a cast. His eye was still blackened and swollen with a bruise. But none of that compared to the damage that had been done to his heart.

His thoughts were interrupted by the click-click-click of the doorknob turning slowly, and he glanced over in the direction of the sound. The door was gently pushed open and the yellow hall lights pooled across the carpet.

"Luka? Are you up?"

Matthias' silhouette was hovering in the doorway - his hair looked messier than normal and he seemed to be hunched over. Lukas couldn't exactly be blamed for finding this a little off-putting.

"I'm up. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Matthias said softly, walking over to Lukas' bedside and sitting down on the edge of the mattress. "Are you fine?"

Lukas shrugged and scooted over to allow Matthias more room to sit, but Matthias flopped down next to him instead, pulling Lukas into a very, very tight hug - one that left Lukas more claustrophobic than comforted. He winced when he felt him squeezing his arm. "Ow, Mat."

"Ow?" Matthias raised an eyebrow and ran his hand along the area he'd just squeezed, stopping when he felt the hard cast. "...Why do you have a cast?"

"Because my arm's broken." Lukas shifted away from Matthias and clutched his arm close. "Maike didn't catch you up? The same guy that took those pictures of me kicked my ass for being a faggot."

"What?!" Matthias' voice wasn't low and groggy anymore. He leaned over and turned the lights on without warning, and Lukas squinted into the sudden brightness - which was easy with his bruised eye. Matthias tore the covers from around him and took a long time, surveying all of the bruises and cuts and running his fingers along the cast again, leaving Lukas feeling more naked and vulnerable than he already was. "...Who hurt you, Lukas? Was it that asshole Alin?"

"No, it wasn't, and it doesn't matter." In truth, Lukas hadn't even gotten a good look at the guy who'd hurt him - even if he had, he was too high to remember. "What matters is that I'm hurt, and you left me there. I could've died if Alfred didn't find me."

"And how was I supposed to know what was going on? From what I saw, you were perfectly happy with me not being there. Found some other boy."

"Don't even start with that. Even if I had wanted to kiss him, I was high. We were both high." Lukas turned away from him, wrapping himself in the blanket cocoon again. "Maike said you understood that. He kissed me. That doesn't mean I wanted it."

Matthias huffed and set a gentle - gentle? - hand on his shoulder. "Lukas, you're right. I wasn't there. But give me a break. Don't blame me for what happened to you. It's not my fault."

"So it's my fault then. Great. Get your hands off me and get out of here."

"I didn't say it was your fault!" Matthias whisper-yelled, and though he did lift his hand from Lukas' shoulder, he didn't leave. "Nobody's saying it's your fault. It's neither of our faults. It's 'cause people can't handle people who are different."

"...Look...I'm not gonna keep saying it's your fault because I'm tired. But...Matthias, if you had come with me when I said I was uncomfortable, none of this would have happened."

"I can't be there for you all the time, Lukas. I would love to, but I'm...we're not one person. We're two people, with two different lives, even if we spend most of our time together."

Lukas didn't respond, because even though he knew what Matthias was saying was true - and he was being selfish as usual - he was too tired to snap back at him, and too stubborn to agree. So he just laid there, feeling Matthias' eyes boring into him as his own eyes bored into the wall.

Finally, Matthias exhaled loudly, sounding exasperated. "I'm sorry that me leaving you alone got you hurt. But I'm not going to let you sit there and say that I'm a bad person for wanting to enjoy myself and wanting to have a life outside of you."

"Okay."

"Are you really not going to say anything else? You were the one who wanted to argue."

It was then that Lukas finally rolled over to look at him; his brows were furrowed, jaw clenched and twitching - but other than that, Matthias looked forlorn and melancholy. His eyes weren't bright then, not even with anger - they looked sad and confused. "...Mat, I don't want to argue. I just...I wish this hadn't happened. I wish people like them didn't hate people like us. And...I also wish that we could've hung out together that night. Because that would have helped my mood. I was really upset when you chose Gilbert over me, and I may've acted pretty shittily, but...I just-"

Matthias cut him off with a finger to the lips and shushed him. "I don't want to argue either, Luka. But I also don't really want to talk about it right now."

"Then we won't."

The words hung in the air for a moment, and they could only hear crickets chirping outside and the sound of each other's breathing.

Then, Matthias shifted closer, turned his head to whisper in Lukas' ear, being discreet even though they were the only ones there: "...Can I touch you now?"

Lukas inhaled softly, hesitating. "Mat..."

"Lukas."

"Just...don't be rough with me."

Matthias' hand delved below the blankets, his hand featherlight against Lukas' porcelain skin as he moved to caress his thighs.

Lukas closed his eyes and just let Matthias feel him up, succumbing to it; even though he wasn't exactly in the mood - he was tired and sore - he wasn't about to pass up any chance of this after days of being starved from it all.

*

Instead of feeling fulfilled the next morning, all Lukas felt was emptiness. Groggy, he rolled away from Matthias, careful not to hurt his arm as he did, then tiptoed around the room to pick up their discarded clothes, which he placed in the hamper. He then got dressed and went downstairs, where Maike was brewing coffee, making sure to shut the door behind him.

"Hey, Maike."

"Morning." Maike glanced over her shoulder at him, and it was then that he noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

"Did you sleep last night?"

Maike shook her head and combed her messy hair out of her face, wordlessly sitting down at the kitchen table; Lukas joined her after a few moments of just standing there, watching.

"...Lukas."

"Mhm?"

"Did you and Matthias...?"

Lukas nodded slowly, face flushing in embarrassment. "We did."

She didn't say anything to that, just nodded simply, and both their gazes ended up focused on the table. Neither of them said a word for the rest of the morning, because there really wasn't much that needed to be said. He wasn't about to sit there and explain to her all the nasty details of what had happened the night before between him and Matthias.

He figured it was obvious, though, that neither of them had really been fulfilled by it.