IOTA ⋆「multi-fandom oneshots #2」

14. december, 2005 (petekey)

just a quick lil thing i wrote for a friend. listen, if you see me writing petekey again for the first time in 7 years, no you don't. all my old petekey/frerard fics are on my first account so yeet read with caution if you decide to go looking for some reason (what am i saying, nobody is gonna read this lmao).

ps. this is a lapslock (all lowercase) fic for some reason, don't know why i did that but here we are. anyway.

–

it's just a night in late december of '05 and pete is drinking again, wondering if he should pick up the phone and give mikey a call or not. it wouldn't be too out of place — he could use the fact that it's nearly christmas as an excuse. he just wants to hear mikey's voice again, truth be told.

the last time they saw each other, things were weird but at least they didn't seem to be on bad terms. things felt stiff, though, and wrong — it was nothing like the summer. summer was full of secret kisses in the dark and quiet sex in pete's bunk on the bus while everyone else was out or asleep and waterparks and amazing new mexico sunsets and fourth of july fireworks and holding hands when no one was looking and sharing clothes like nobody would notice. but it's not summer anymore.

last time he saw mikey, things felt awkward, like both were too aware of how the other still felt but things just didn't feel right anymore.

instead of secret kisses there were lingering looks, their eyes conveying more than they'd ever say. instead of quiet sex there were forced smiles and laughter. instead of fireworks, there was nothing left but embers that were on the verge of going out. pete wanted to fan the flames, make them burn brighter — but it had been too late then. they had reputations that would be ruined if anyone ever found out.

pete can only imagine the slurs and insults that would have been thrown their way. and if anyone ever said anything bad about mikey, pete would fucking lose it.

so now it's december and pete hasn't seen or heard from mikey in three months. he doesn't know if calling is even worth it, but he wants to try. though is mikey seeing someone now? pete isn't sure. either way, he still wants to check on him, if nothing else. mikey's alcoholism and his depression both were getting concerning during the summer, but he'd seemed better and brighter the more time they spent together.

but thinking back to september, pete reconsiders — mikey wasn't so happy then, though neither was pete. what if mikey needs him now? what if he is just as afraid to call?

perhaps it's the alcohol that makes him pick up the phone, but the next thing pete knows, he is holding it to his ear, listening to the dial tones.

mikey answers nearly immediately. "pete?"

he's been crying, pete notices; he sounds like a mess. the thought makes pete's heart ache.

"hey, mikeyway," pete says gently, unable to stop the concern from coming through. "um, are you okay?"

mikey sniffles — a dead giveaway that the answer is 'no'. "i'm fine," he lies anyway, and pete just wants to hold him.

"you're a really bad liar," pete tells him.

silence.

"yeah, i know."

"tell me what's wrong?" pete suggests hopefully.

more silence.

"pete, why did you call?" mikey questions after a moment, in lieu of answering.

this time pete is silent. "do you want the real or the fake answer?" he asks softly, giving a sad chuckle.

"the real one," mikey says.

pete is quiet again. "i'm worried about you," he admits. "i miss you."

mikey sucks in a breath. "i change my mind. the fake answer will do."

pete smiles sadly, his heart aching. "i wanted to wish you a merry christmas now, in case i can't call tomorrow. things get hectic sometimes, and... yeah. you know how it is during the holidays."

"yeah," mikey agrees, "i do."

pete shrugs, even knowing mikey can't see him. "i, um..." he begins after some time passes, "i can't stop thinking about you."

mikey sniffs. "pete," he warns, protesting gently. "don't."

pete shakes his head. "but it's true — i've been thinking about you and i really wish you were here right now. god, i miss you so fucking much–"

"pete," mikey interrupts, once again sounding as though he may be crying or close to it. "please stop."

"i love you," pete confesses, his eyes getting teary. mikey swallows audibly, and pete carries on. "i couldn't tell you that before, during the tour. it was too real and i didn't want it to be because i was afraid of it. but i do — i love you. i miss you. and i know it's too late now, but fuck, mikey, i..."

the line goes very quiet again. and then, after minutes or maybe even hours, mikey speaks.

"i wanted you," he says quietly, sniffling. "i wanted to stay with you, because i loved you and i knew i wasn't supposed to. i knew that things were always going to end up this way and i fell for you anyway. it was terrifying, but you made me feel good. you made me feel better than i'd felt in so long, and i think i'll probably never feel like that again without you. i just wanted you to love me too and i thought you never could. i thought i wasn't enough for you."

"mikey, i—"

"i don't think we can have that again, as much as we might want it," mikey continues, interrupting. "things are too complicated, and they'll never be any less complicated. you know that too. but, for what it's worth..."

he stops, taking a breath. "i miss you, too. and i never stopped loving you. don't know if i ever will." he sighs and pete lets the tears fall from his eyes.

"it all feels... impossible. i want you and you want me but we both have other things to do, other obligations. we both know this can't work. so yeah, maybe we'll never get to be together again in the way that we want, but... we'll always have the memories. summer will always be ours."

"even if it can't work," pete begins, "i want to try. even if we're doomed to fail, i'd do anything to have more time with you. being with you felt so freeing. you even said that you were happier. so if you love me too, then let's do it. even if it can't be now, or five years from now or ten or twenty, just promise me, at some point we'll give it another go. promise me you'll give me a second chance to love you again – the right way, the way you should've been loved. because i do love you, and i'd do anything to have this with you again. will you promise me, mikey? promise me that someday we'll try again?"

silence. it's so long that pete almost thinks that mikey hung up. and then...

"okay, i promise. someday, pete, we'll do it all again."

and pete breathes, finally feeling relief. and he sits there, clutching the phone so tightly it could break in his grip, clinging to the bottle of whiskey as he cries down the line, because someday he and mikey will be together again, and pete will do his best to show him all the love he should've shown him months ago. when it happens, he will tell mikey all the time that he loves him. until then, he'll love him from afar.

and perhaps, in five or ten or twenty years, or more, they'll be okay again.

—

FIN.

god i haven't written about pete and mikey in ages but yeah anyway bye