IOTA ⋆「multi-fandom oneshots #2」

7. from victor, with love ; victuri

original description;

In which Victor accidentally leaves his "letter of feelings" that was written to no one on the table at the cafe Yuri works at, and Yuri finds it and decides to reply.

[Alternate Universe, Oneshot]

//////////

'Dear somebody,

I must've written this same letter a thousand times, and each time I feel a little bit better about it.

You don't know me, and I don't know you either. I guess that's why I feel like I can write down everything I feel and you wouldn't care, because to you I am nobody. To you, I have no significance. And that's okay.

Sometimes I find myself staring off at the ocean. I'll go and I'll listen to the calls of the seagulls in the distance, and not do anything besides stand there and wish that the cold water would swallow me whole. I'm here at the oceanfront now as I'm writing this, and it's so cold I can see my breath. It's snowing here in St. Petersburg, and I'm all bundled up, but I'm still so cold.

Sometimes I think about love, and how it ruined me. I mean, I want to fall in love again one day, I'm just scared. I haven't found someone who really cares about me, but I've been patient. I hope I'm still around to do so in the future. I don't really know yet. I don't even know what I'm going to be doing tonight.

I really just want to be able to look at someone and say, "Oh god, how did I ever get so lucky?". I really want to find the love of my life, and be able to hold their hand, look into their eyes that are full of nothing but pure happiness, and love only for me, and hopefully I'll be able to kiss the engagement ring on their finger one day. I want someone that'll make me happy, someone that I make happy - someone that I'll probably never meet.

You see, people tend to look at me and assume I have somebody, because they think I'm 'pretty', or something like that, and then they give up on me. They don't even try to talk to me. People always look at other people and make assumptions based on what they see, but it's not like it's their fault- they don't know me, so what should they think when they see me?

I actually don't have a lover, as you might have guessed. I've never really had much of one. The last one I had wasn't really... much of a good person... let alone a good lover.

He ruined the word 'love' for me, abused it, like he did me, before he threw me away like I meant nothing to him. But maybe it had been for the best that he left- he wasn't good to me in the slightest.

And now I don't really have much of anyone. Not anymore.

Things are hard now, and they keep getting worse. I have nightmares more often than I have good dreams, yet I hate waking up more than I should. It's his fault- he destroyed me, and everything that I ever was, and left me when I was finally broken. Now I have nothing in this world that I truly care for. The thought of love scares me, and it's hard to trust anyone.

I sometimes think about about dying, and what it would be like- I sometimes wonder what it would be like to drown in that ocean that's so close to me, and I sometimes wonder what it's like when the heart stops beating. I sometimes think about taking my own life; it would be so easy to do so, so easy to let go when there's nothing to hold onto, nothing holding me back. I've actually tried before, but I was stopped.

Sometimes, I imagine my whole world ending. To some, it probably would be terrifying, but oddly enough, I feel as though it would be peaceful. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just depressed because of what happened. And that's okay. I have every right to be.