The Love In Our Lungs

Chapter 5

I stare out the window of my house as I watch the raindrops fall onto the glass I'm resting my cheek on. The rain always reminds me of my suffering. Some would think it's beautiful, I think it's harrowing because all of my anxieties reflect on the millions of drops of water that come falling down the sky. I feel cozy, and relaxed as I watch the pouring rain take over the day.

The ride back home was an awkward situation. Mainly because Stella and I didn't speak that much. Probably because of my sudden outburst back at the coffee shop. A sudden pang of guilt is what I now feel. I decide on calling her, and when she doesn't answer my call I sigh in frustration and throw my phone towards the brown puff in the corner that is illuminated with much more light than the one I am receiving from the window. I hop off the window and make my way into the art room. A place where I can let go of my insecurities, and think about art and only art for it is what the world relies on, as should I.

Scanning the counters filled with papers, and books, I take out a blank piece of paper and go over to the wooden desk that has all my notes. From guitar chords to those of the piano. I sit and start thinking. What draws my attention every day? Probably art, but I can't draw art. I've done that a thousand times before. But then it hits me. Eyes. And once I start thinking of every person I've looked in the eyes. I think of Tyler, and how I don't remember the color of his eyes. Probably because I'm too frightened for some reason to look into them. To get caught into a trance once again. To feel like a fish caught in a net as the fishermen take me away from the ocean, and into the supermarkets where fish are sold for us humans to consume. To be too scared to realize I'm no longer a fish swimming freely in the sea. 

This type of trance is the type of trance that leaves you enchanted, and disoriented because you are too caught up in the beauty of the trance. The warm feeling of it. And how comfortable and at peace you feel. Safe. That's the word that describes this trance. I stop myself before I can get too much into it. I shouldn't be feeling like this, because if I do I'll become more mentally weak. Asthma has already made me physically weak.

I focus and finally decide on drawing Dylan's green orbs that tell me how natural he is. How he can make a new friend in the blink of an eye just like Stella. I envy them for being so confident, and happy. I envy Tyler for being just like them. Being different can be looked at as a good or bad thing. You can look into the light, but in the end, there will always be a shadow behind it, because without light, there is no darkness, and without darkness, there isn't any light. Everyone has a good and a bad side. I keep myself hidden in the shadow of own self. I don't even know who I am. Just an aghast girl with no other purpose in this world that isn't being tested with injections and drugs constantly.

I stay a bit late in the art room, drawing both Stella's and Dylan's eyes. I do it to express my fondness for the two of them. For being the only two people besides Dr. Gahn and Tyler to be welcoming. The way my wrist moves delicately, and how my fingers are wrapped around the pencil in such a protective way as if to say "don't let me go", because I don't want art to leave me alone in this world. Art is the only thing that allows me to be who I truly am. To express my emotions through it, because I don't have anywhere else to go. Art doesn't judge me. And even though others may think it isn't alive. It feels like it. Art is alive to me, and it is probably the best friend I wish was a human being I could converse with without being thought of in a weird way.

It's been a few months of living in Missouri. It's the same miserable routine almost every day. Go to school. Go to my appointment, maybe go visit Stella or talk with Dylan. Go back home, and let homework consume me till I fall asleep. It's unbelievable how I have made it through five months already. It's January, and the first days back from Christmas break have been boring. Primarily because I don't talk to anyone unless it is school-related, and I don't make an effort on making any friends, when I know I shouldn't pressure myself to be something I am not.