The Love In Our Lungs

Chapter 9

I haven't been able to sleep for the past week. Not even Stella can make me go to sleep with those boring stories of hers. She talks about her monotonous past because she knows that those stories are boring, but they no longer affect me, they only make me yawn. The guilt has been keeping me up at night. I have also found my appointments more unbearable than before. The thought of Dalton doesn't leave my mind and it becomes more difficult to avoid the topic. I want to talk to Tyler about it, and I wanted back then when we were at the fair. I had put aside the encounter we had with Dalton in the back of my mind because I wanted to enjoy the trip. I knew Tyler had done the same because he too wanted to enjoy the time we had.

I could find out what it was that went on in his mind. What he was planning on doing, even what he was feeling. Yet I still couldn't decipher what he felt when he was around me. Did he feel the constant calmness that I always did when around him? Or did he simply feel nothing when I was feeling so much?

It's thoughts like these that keep me up nowadays. The school has been boring as usual. It's the same routine every time I go. Try to not bump into anyone, sit in the back of the class, only talk if someone asks me something, mainly if it's a teacher, eat outside under a tree. It is always the same for me.

Now as I look at the words in my book(not actually reading it), I keep my mind focused on how Tyler used to sit under this tree sometimes. Today it is just me. He doesn't sit here anymore. I wonder if it has something to do with me. How he can act like your best friend and in a matter of days forget you even exist. I deny it. I deny the fact that whatever it is that is going on between us, is nothing but a game to him.

Just when I was starting to get sad, I noticed something fall onto my left. I don't take my head away from the book, as I pretend to read...when in reality I am counting my fast heartbeats. Pretending to not see the mysterious figure, I actually start reading the book. A particular sentence catches my eye immediately. Choosing whether to hide or face the future isn't going to solve the present. Would it be better to face it, to face Tyler or the mysterious figure that's sitting here with me? Would it change anything? Knowing that one day we will change into another version of ourselves. A version that we may not like now...and that makes me want to hide. To not face the present to make a great future. I decide on moving my head to the left and look into the eyes of my companion. Immediately I am met with the soft green eyes I have become so familiar with. As I wait for him to speak the same sentence repeats itself in my head. Choosing whether to hide or face the future isn't going to solve the present. It's repeating itself a hundred times, and I don't know what to feel about it. If this exact sentence is trying to tell me something.

"How's it going?" Asks Tyler. He is sitting with one leg stretched out while the other is supporting his arm as his elbow rests on his knee.

"Great," I say. You're doing exactly the opposite of what the sentence says, I thought. By lying I am not going to solve anything. Hiding what I really feel right now isn't going to make my situation any better. This craving I have now acknowledged won't leave me. The sorrow that comes with it is following me too. I look back at Tyler who is still like a statue. He isn't moving a muscle and the only thing that I can look at right now is how his breathing affects the calm movements of his chest, like the swaying of waves.

"Would you mind going to the Missouri river with me?" He asked. I didn't know exactly what to say. I have passed by the river, but have never really looked into what lies in between the grass that surrounds it. I say "I'll go" regardless of how uninterested I am in going. I only agreed on bustling because of Tyler. Any chance to be around him I will not waste. I have a small smile on my resting on my face and I look back to the book, actually reading it this time. Tyler scoots closer to me and reads along with me even though he doesn't know the storyline of what I'm reading. He catches the sentence I have been so focused on and points at it with his finger, before reading it aloud.