The Love In Our Lungs

Chapter 13

It had been three days now. The walls began making me feel suffocated, yet it didn't compare to the amount of suffocation I felt when I choked myself. Those three days had been somewhat decent, given the fact that both Stella and Dylan had come to see me. 

There was no sign of Tyler, and I thought that it would be his next move to betray me once again. I had my skepticism; thinking that maybe he could leave his bipolarity for a second and take his time and emotions to come to see me.

The constant thought of Tyler betraying me only made me realize that he acted the way he did toward me, not because he wanted to, but because he was dealing with his emotions more than I am. He was so coy, yet so intimidating and radiant at times. I wondered why it was that he seemed to be the most cordial person you've ever met, and then be the stressed man who is simply looking out for a way to solve his problems, most importantly his emotions.

It came to me that what surrounds us doesn't cause our thoughts to become so corrupt or disheartening, but it is our emotions that provoke what we think of. Tyler had more of a problem with that than I did. It seemed as if while I had one emotion in my mind(as well as little relapses of happiness), he had an entire river of emotions to swim in. 

And it seemed as if the current was taking him back to the same emotions, but each time it would throw him around like a ball. His emotions would play catch, and the lucky one would control him for as long as he could find himself fighting against the current.

As the day scurried away, I felt as if I was succumbing to my desires, and I was just about to call Tyler, make it seem as if I wasn't desperate to have him here, just so that he didn't feel the power he had over me, because although I feel as if I could trust him, there was still a tiny portion of myself that was scared that the wrong emotion would take over him.

My mother had left me exactly five hours ago, and I knew that if I kept staring at the clock, I would probably go insane. Since the crisis, it seemed as if she was far busier than when we had moved here. I just wished that she hadn't taken up more clients just to pay taxes. 

Her exhaustion was evident in her eyes every time she came home, to the point that I even contemplated the idea of telling her how much I understood her. That I had heard her call, the screams that wanted to be set free from their restraints. Her silence sometimes made her even coyer than myself. And someone would have to go through much more to become someone like me. The numbness was what saved me.

The television had been turned on while I was in the kitchen rummaging through the freezer in hopes of maybe, just maybe finding some frosting I could eat. I knew a few people that said that yogurt and ice cream were too basic. They introduced me to frosting and did I end up loving it.

When I had finally found a can of frosting, I proceeded to open it and looked for a spoon to eat it with. As much as I loved the frosting and was starving for the taste of it, I wouldn't have eaten it with my fingers, because that was probably even grosser than my nonstop coughing today.

I was avoiding the idea of being even sicker than before. I prayed for my mother to not notice how the coughing was far worse today, and gladly she didn't note the fact that my lungs had been suffering a tiny bit more than they were yesterday. It felt as if I had an army of ants swimming in my lungs, desperately trying to swim their way out through my throat. And as I kept eating frosting I could feel my throat itch a bit more with every spoonful.

I returned to the kitchen, taking with me the almost empty can of frosting and the oxygen tank. I placed the can inside the fridge and left to go back to the living room when I heard a thump. It was coming from the wall closest to the window I always sat close to. Whatever it was that was out there better not ruin the window that brings me peace. It was too valuable, and I felt in heaven when I sat there. I didn't feel numb or depressed, I just felt at peace.