Never Love Again

178. Break Free

"Mom one of the things I had to do according to my therapist was confronted my triggers and you've been the biggest trigger since I was a child. You never allowed me a chance to defend myself and I was... I used to be very intimidated by you. Nothing I ever did say right by you therefore, I'm learning...or I'm still trying to acknowledge my mistakes as an adult so yes, I admit most of the things I have done as a person have not been that good...

I've been made aware of my quick-tempered ness by the therapist, and my likeliness at getting even. Therefore, what I'm trying to say is you still intimidate me as you did when I was still young. I've tried to live up to your expectations and unlike dad, you are the one who most compared me to Yeon till I began to want to be like him and in as much as you've proven to care for me, I just couldn't feel your affections the way I wanted to.

It's always Yeon getting praise and he is the smart one even though I was smart first. I taught him everything he knows Mom. Yeon used to come to me for answers until one day he stopped because of you.
You ruined the connection we had or rather you created a spark in him that I couldn't control which made him stop relying on me. When we got to college, dad suggested I move in with Yeon and that made me very happy. I took it as an opportunity for us to rekindle the relationship I had with my little brother. He has always been my little brother and that will never change. I wanted to protect him and for him to see me as he used to but he didn't rely on me anymore. He was no longer a kid I could control and soon enough I had no choice but to accept it. Mom, at least from time to time praises me rather than criticizes me. I used to look up to you and dad's strength... That's why I wanted a career and independence. The moment I began falling, instead of embracing me, you dug into my failures and reminded me of them over and over until I grew afraid to fail. I wanted to be perfect in your eyes mom. Dad scolded me the most but you taking over the disciplining, you, the person I sought strength from... ...Mom, didn't you already know I wanted to be just like you?"

"Yes Mijin, I knew. That's why I was the one who took over responsibility for your misconduct. Your father may look fierce on the outside but he is gullible and weak to your tantrums..."

"Even Yeon took you away from me. He got your strong scent. Why does my little brother always fight to surpass me? What does he have against me..?"

"Mijin calm down. Let's not deviate from your brother. You wanted to tell me about you and I'm here to listen, though I wish you were here instead of doing this on a video call."

"I can't be close to you mom lest I lose my temper again and you use your threatening scent on me. I want closure. I need closure or else I will never stop hating you mom."

"Why do you hate me?"

"Because you are always disciplining me."

"That's because you misbehave. Mijin, you've been a stubborn child since you were young, never doing what you are told. You always want things to go your way even if it is wrong or hurts others. You could have been like Yeon who never caused any trouble..."

"I'll never be like Yeon."

"I don't want you to be similar in character to your brother. I want you as you, the lovable daughter I used to know. She still resides in you. Bring her out child. This act of yours, I won't fall for it but I commend you for calling me to speak your heart out."

"Why is Yeon's case different from mine? I got taken advantage of too so what makes my case different? Is it because of Haesol whom you forced me to keep just to save my assaulter? You're keeping him in our home mom! I grew up there!"

"Where do you want us to keep him then? You abandoned Haesol the moment you brought her into this world and refused to look at her. She was vulnerable to scent and she needed you and Hajin to help her adapt to scents..."