user not found | b.e

sixteen

kai shows up to my grans house at eight. 

ive barely had enough time to dry my curly hair and spend way too long choosing an outfit which I assume is appropriate for a house party. 

I opt for a black mini dress with black distressed tights and my docs, throwing on my oversized black leather jacket and silver jewellery. 

when kai see's me, they smile and glance over my outfit. "do you ever wear colour?"

no.

"why would I wear color when I look so hot in black?"

"touché baby sage" 

my grandma loves kai and attempts to persuade them to stay over for a while so they can play chess together.

kai politely declines but promises they'll come back so they can have a game together. 

I want to leave before my gran asks me what im doing. 

"grandma" I finally say, cutting off their conversation. "we're meeting art, we can't stay"

my grandma winks at kai and smiles "you'll have to tell me about your girlfriend bring art around. does she like chess?"

"ill ask them, im sure she'd love to come and meet you"

"well have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do" my grandma holds out some money and I shake my head but she slaps it in my direction.

oh okay then.

before my grandma persuades kai to give her a pedicure, I quickly grab their hand and pull them towards the door, shouting bye to my grandmother. 

all the way to their house, kai tries to explain what these parties are like but it's not shaking the feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.

im so scared. 

kai drops off their car and I run upstairs to drop my bag in their apartment, waiting outside for the uber. 

I climb inside and bite the nail on my thumb, my leg bouncing up and down in anticipation. 

I feel like im gonna vomit. 

the sun is setting as we pull up on a beautiful neighbourhood with hundreds of beautiful cars parked along the streets.

the car stops outside a house where people are already dotted along the drive, red solo cups in their hands.

before I know it, we're walking through the doors and they immediately spot people they know. 

and it seems like kai knows everyone. 

they're hugging and greeting people, instantly falling into conversation with strangers I don't recognise. 

they're introducing me to so many people but I can't keep up. 

there's so many people. 

I see almost everyone either drinking or smoking and the sweet smell of weed which is clearly floating around. 

even though there seems to be crazy amounts of people here, it doesn't seem to looknanylike like I imagine house parties to be like. 

ive watched euphoria too many times. 

I spot a few couples basically fucking against the walls and I avert my gaze, not wanting to stare. 

there's no sign of z anywhere and im praying I don't bump into them tonight.

at some point during all of the meet and greets, I lose kai. 

one minute im listening to this Aiden kid, talk about he went to jail for something which wasn't his fault (I still don't know what exactly he went to jail for) and the next, im surrounded by people who've told me their names but I have no idea who is who. 

I try not to panic and I slip away, pretending like I know where im going. 

I attempt to look around for kai but I can't see them anywhere. 

I don't want to just walk around all night so I escape through the back door, walking into the back garden, finding a lone bench which seems to be behind a tree, which no-one is seated on. 

im regretting coming to this party. 

I could be at home watching porn right now. 

"are you A)sad  B) mad C) lost?"

my stomach flips at the familiar voice. 

I look over to see billie with a lazy smirk, standing beside me. 

"C" I tell her, with a shrug. "I had no idea kai knew so many people. I lost them"

"and they left you here alone?" billie perches on the bench beside me and the old wood creeks. I grab onto the wood beside my thighs, scared it's gonna collapse with the weight of the both of us. 

"I don't think they meant to" 

im relived billie doesn't seem to be smoking or drinking tonight.

she seems sober. 

and she smells so fucking good. 

I lean a little closer and get the whiff of her cologne, which seems to be stronger than normal. 

"are you sniffing me?"

I reel back, embarrassed she caught me. "no"

"yes you were"

"I was just curious if you'd been drinking" I admit with a drink and billie shakes her head, running her fingers through her hair. "I don't drink anymore"

I would ask billie more but I feel like it's a difficult topic for her so I don't bother. 

"I don't drink either"

"you don't?"

"no, my dad started drinking and it turned him into someone I didn't recognise. I hate alcohol"

"damn im sorry" billie blows out a breath, crossing her feet in-front of her. "I started drinking after my injury"

oh my god.

she was a baby.

"you know I was a kid and in a lot of pain, not just with my injury, you know? my brother was busy making music and seeing his girlfriend and my parents were busy with the shop and I had a lot of time alone. I had friends who were old enough to buy alcohol and if I said or did the right thing to them, they gave me whatever I wanted"

I blow out a shaky breath and briefly close my eyes. 

I can't imagine what billie went through as a child. 

"so you don't dance, like at all?" I want to ask more about her 'friends' but it's clear it's another subject I don't think is appropriate. 

"touchy subject sage" 

"sorry" 

billie shakes her head and laughs a little, fiddling with the rings on her fingers. "I probably could, physically I mean. ive had a lot of physical therapy and my body is a lot stronger"

"but in here" billie taps her head, a sad emotion washing over her face. "I don't think I could ever get over the fear. the fear would eat me alive if I let it"

she blows out a shaky breath and I have the urge to grab onto her hand but mine are shaking. 

"I love dancing and teaching dancing but I don't dance because I want to anymore. I dance because it's my job"

"that makes sense"

im about to ask her if she'd ever dance again because she wants to but billie whips her head up when she hears 'eilish' being called out. 

she curses under her breath and wipes her hands on her pants. 

z.