user not found | b.e

thirty one

when I walk into work, kai is sitting at the front desk, a hood covering their face. 

"hey dude, how are you?"

when I walk slower, I see they're wearing sunglasses. 

what's happened?

"you're late"

I guess someone isn't a happy camper this morning. 

I was going to tell them all about my romantic morning with billie but I don't wanna upset them. 

oh shit. 

"im sorry I forgot to text you back this morning, I totally forgot"

kai stand up "it's okay, it seems like you were with someone more important"

how did they know?

"you've got a fresh hickey on your neck" kai walks away and I cover my neck with my hand.

mother fucker. 

I follow kai out back and they're leant against the wall, a cigarette between their lips. 

"oh so you wanna talk to me now?"

"im sorry, I was gonna text you back but-"

"I tried to call you sage, twice" their voice has an angry edge to it. 

"im sorry I just-"

"you just forgot about your best friend as soon as your little girlfriend comes into the picture. when she wasn't around, you had all the time in the world for me.but as soon as she wants your attention, im forgotten quicker than yesterdays news"

regret rolls through me.

they needed me and I wasn't there. 

im a shitty friend. 

"I didn't throw you away"

"well that's what it feels like sage" they take a drag of their cigarette, leaning their head against the stone wall. 

"you're not the first person to do this. the second someone finds a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, they forget all about me. and I'll tell you something sage. if you don't want a real friendship with me, find someone who doesn't mind being a disposable friend" 

I don't know what to say. 

I don't know how to make this better. 

after a long, awkward silence of me just listening to kai inhale their cigarette smoke. 

"im no good at this" I admit, with a sigh. 

"at what?"

"being close to people" I use my hand to gesture between us both. "I screw it up so I find it easier to avoid things rather than deal with shit"

"that's your excuse?" kai clicks their teeth and I curse to myself. 

this isn't going well. 

"im not trying to make excuses, im telling you the truth"

why did I do this? 

if I'd have actually messaged kai back this morning or answered their calls, everything would be fine. 

but I failed them. 

and I don't want to lose kai so I need to do something I struggle with the most; be honest about myself. 

"you're right" I turn to kai before I have the chance to pussy out of what im about to say. "I took our friendship for granted. I just assumed you'd always be there, because you always are. and im not that person, and I wish you could count on me like I can count on you. because I wanna be more like you kai."

I blow out a breath. "you're not a disposable friend to me" 

they don't say anything but drop their cigarette on the floor, putting it out with the heel of their converse. 

"I told myself you wouldn't miss me and I guess that's why I justified myself"

"well I did miss you" kai pushes themselves off the wall and lowers their hood. "you picked a fine day to ditch on me sagey baby, I could've used you this morning"

I can't put my fingers on what's going on. 

"did something happen last night?"

"yeah something happened" kai removes their glasses and runs their fingers through their hair. 

I take a moment to scan their face and see the puffiness of their eyes. 

"art has had an offer to study in new york, they think it's best if we split up because she's thinking about taking the offer" 

"oh fuck"

a single tear rolls down their cheek and they quickly wipe it away. "she's my soulmate sage. we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together and they didn't even tell me they'd applied to college anywhere but in LA" 

I reach my arms around them before they can finish their sentence and they're throwing their arms around me and softly falls apart in my arms. 

"im sorry" I whisper, stroking their hair. "im sorry this is happening and im sorry im a shitty friend"

maybe it's time to figure out my problems and stop being a shitty person. 

I don't ever want kai to feel like I'd thrown them away. 

they're my best friend and I need to stop dodging my problems. 

I need to focus on being a friend. 

oh no, poor kai :(