You said that I had no reason to worry
that you & I would always be oh'kay,
even when we weren't.
But then I saw you..
but I saw you with her head in your hand & her name tattooed on your wrist in Sharpie.
I saw you looking at her how I looked at you,
but how you had never quite learned to look at me.
I was never afraid of not being enough,
only, too much.
But you looked me in my eyes and told me that my muchness was just right.
I'm writing in pink because that was the color of my heart when I first showed it to you
But now .. it's blue
But that couldn't have been your fault, right?
Because blue was the exact color you said that you never wanted to see stamped on my eyelids.
And I tried to give you every gallon of me without knowing that you could only hold an ounce.
When I showed you my soul,
you picked out the smooth edges and left the cracked center in her room
crying for the phone to ring with your name lighting up the screen.
I gave you everything I loved about myself, and you hated it all.
You let me know everything wrong that you saw through my paper skin,
but only after I'd come to realize that I should be hating everything that I loved about me,
because it was all the wrong colors to you.
So I painted my lips to the color you said you loved most,
only then did you say that I no longer looked like me.
But who was I?
The one you couldn't stand to see, because I was too bright
and you said that you wanted someone dimmer.
So I search my blues & plead with them to not care,
because I now lie awake at night feeling saltwater slide into my ears,
wondering if I can drown myself in it, because maybe then my body would be as cold as my heart should be
and how can I teach my heart a lesson if it refuses to learn?
I was never afraid of being too much; only, not enough. But, I suppose, in the end, it's the same thing.
