WE SHOULD STOP NOW

PART 9 - EXILED

CALEB

"I'm just saying if it's getting too much, just come back and stay with us for a bit longer. Mia won't mind and you can help look after the baby whilst we pack up?" Ethan suggests.

I slump my head against the head rest in my car as I rub a hand over my face whilst holding a phone to my ear in the other hand and give out a big deep slow breath trying to even out my breathing. I'd just finished off some bread deliveries and pulled up in front of the bakery when I started to feel anxious. It's the sort of anxious feeling that I can't ignore because if I do they'll just form and bubble into a full on panic attack. So I do what I always do when I need help, I call my brother.

"Caleb are you listen man? You OK?" Ethan says and I can hear his concern in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah it's...fuck...it's nothing I guess. I'm just being fucking stupid I shouldn't of called." I sigh into the phone. Theres a bit of a tremor in my voice, I really wish Ethan wasn't moving to Japan in the next few days.

"No, you did the right thing, I told you to call whenever. Listen you're doing so good compared to earlier in the month. I think this job with Joanie has been really good for you, you've been getting back to work, getting back into a routine, less partying and drinking. You need to stick to it." Ethan says and I grit my teeth.

For the last week Joanie has distanced herself from me as much as possible, she'll only ever reply to conversations I try and start with her with short polite responses back. It's a real kick in the balls. Her frozen walls around her ice palace are well and truly back up and no matter how much I try and get that banter and connection back that I know we were both starting to feel she just shuts me out at every turn.

I'm exiled. 

All because Samuel had to open his fucking mouth! Joanie didn't even look angry when Sammy told her I had a girlfriend she just looked sad. Like she expected me to let her down, like everyone always lets her down. Betrayed.

Erin Owusu is not my girlfriend...well not anymore at least. 

After the flood hit the village and my whole world turned to shit I just couldn't stay in Africa any longer. The whole thing totally broke me. Seeing Coffie's small body being pulled from the water totally-fucking-broke-me. 

When the rivers banks burst and the bridge collapsed It was like everything started moving in slow motion. Four kids fell into the water but only three kids came back out. No matter how many times I dived back under into the dark chaos of the river I just couldn't find him. The fast flowing current was relentless and the river would not give him back no matter how many times I screamed his name.

I could've done more. I should've done more!

He was one of my pupils, I had a responsibility to look after him and I totally fucking failed him. So like the coward I am I ended my relationship with Erin, left Africa and came back home to attempt to hide from the world. No matter how many times Erin has called me since I ran away my answer has been the same; i'm-not-going-back.

My first week back home I barely got out of bed. I slept so much I never knew if it was going to be day or night when I woke up. Then the insomnia started to kick in from the lack of exercise, bad diet and the grief that was consuming me.  My mum was persistent to get the truth out of me, always knocking on my door to try and get me up asking me a million questions that I refused to answer. As I could no longer sleep and couldn't stand the constant nagging, thats when I started to go out and party most nights, hooking up with any girl that would look my way as I drank myself into oblivion. I had the money and the family name, I could get into anywhere I wanted and didn't care how much I spent. So for at least three weeks solid I adopted the 'millionaire playboy' facade just to get my mum off my back and shamelessly spent a small fortune.

Pretending to act like a rich kid dickhead was a lot easier than showing the real me, the broken me. 

That was until Ethan came by to see me with Zach and a little part of me woke back up. I'm sucker for kids anyways, but holding my chubby little nephew for the first time made me break down and tell Ethan everything. He's been good with me like he always fucking is and even let me stay at his and Mia's beach house the week leading up to their wedding just so I could try and get my shit together without mum in my ear before I had to face everyone at the Wedding picnic. 

By the time it came around to Mia and Ethans Wedding I knew that there was no way i'd ruin their big day and managed to compartmentalize all my emotions away enough to get through the day.  I could do that for them, to be the old me for just one day... just one day was my plan then I'd curl back up into my bed and go numb again or go out drinking to forget.  

Then she came back into my life, the girl in the green dress who made me me feel fucking alive and now I've screwed that up too. 

"Listen Ethan, i've gotta go or i'll be late for work," I say quietly. I shouldn't have called him he has enough going on, i'm just been selfish.

"OK, OK. But you call me, I mean it! I'm here for you little brother OK?" Ethan pleads and I nod even though he can't see it and hang up the phone. I take one more deep breath before I jump out my car and head towards the bakery smiling when I see the large glass window.

The first morning I went to work for Joanie I stood and watched her at the window for longer than I ever admitted to her. Half naked dancing around in her kitchen making her bread mix at four in the morning, completely unaware of how sexy she was in those little black panties, watching her braless breasts sway under her thin t.shirt as she pounded at the dough.  She literally knocked me off my feet without even trying, but it wasn't until I saw her at the charity ball I knew this girl meant something to me. It was like getting shot with a lightning bolt. 

As soon as I push open the door of the bakery Joanie's head snaps up with a wide smile before it drops when she realises it's just me and not a customer. I try and ignore her coldness when I head round the counter to hang up my coat and put my apron back on when I hear the familiar clatter on the counter.  Even after getting the cold shoulder from Joanie all week she still makes sure I have my breakfast at the same time each day. It's like a little unspoken routine we're in.

So I give her a warm smile that she ignores and go to sit at my my normal window table having my morning coffee and breakfast muffin.

I've tried to explain about Erin, but she just cuts me off each time saying it's none of her business, but I want it to be her business! I want her to listen but I just can't seem to thaw those glacier walls she's built up and i'm starting to feel lost again...drifting back into loneliness and numbness...If only I could see a glimmer of hope between us...if only...

Fuck this tastes good, what the fuck is that i'm eating...

I flip over the menu to try and spot what i'm eating but nothing matches the description. I sit back in my chair and think about the other danishes and muffins i've had in the week. All of them have been utterly fucking amazing. Again, not a single one can be found for other customers to buy off the menu.

I look over to Joanie who's now decorating a batch of cup cakes for a baby shower that i'm due to deliver soon and a wide grin spreads across when I realise that Joanie has gone out of her way and been specially making me a breakfast muffin just for me each day.  It's not just one from the display counter, she's lovingly created something thats not for anyone else but me. 

That's got to mean something? 

There's my glimmer of hope.